Wednesday, December 24, 2008

This PSA Brought to You By...

This drive-by post is to inform you that if you haven't checked out and entered for one of FetLife's Kinky Christmas stockings, you should!

Everyone have a safe, happy and kink-filled Christmahanukwanzaa!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?

Kinky Sex Link posts a writing prompt every Monday, and I follow them because I'm always looking for something good to write about. This past Monday's prompt was:

"How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?"

This one resonated with me because it's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while. M's and my relationship HAS gotten better not only since we discovered BDSM but also since we discovered that we were both switches and that I was not the hard-line, set-in-stone Dominant. To write about why I think this is, I feel I must first start with describing how our relationship might have been if we had not discovered BDSM.

It's odd because I can't imagine vanilla sex anymore. I can't imagine me having vanilla sex and I can't imagine anyone else having vanilla sex. I don't know how anyone could prefer plain vanilla sex to sex with even a little bit of kink in it. (Of course, that could take me into a tangent about the exact description of kink, but I'll save it for later.) That being said, M and I would still have had a relationship without kink and BDSM. Our relationship has a solid foundation even outside the realm of kink. We largely share the same interests in books, movies and music; our political and general views on life are very similar. Hell, we even share the same preference for breeds of dog!

Those things, and others I haven't defined here (the things that should be in any relationship: trust, honesty, appreciation, humor) make a good relationship. They have made ours a good relationship. Getting into BDSM, though, has made this good relationship a great relationship. A superb relationship; a memorable, unforgettable, strong lifetime relationship. How is this?


I really think that's what it is. The key to making our good relationship an amazing relationship is vulnerability. Otherwise we are both a couple of very proud, somewhat walled-off women who would not have been able to connect and give 100% to each other.

Even just talking about BDSM gives us an advantage. We're both admitting an interest in something that is absolutely not mainstream, that is often frowned upon and persecuted. We're opening ourselves up just a little, reaching out and saying, "Hey, I'm different," and allowing ourselves to be either accepted or rejected. Obviously, we chose the former for each other.

And then there's the physical aspect of BDSM. How much trust does it take, how much vulnerability does it open to allow someone to restrain you into helplessness and inflict pain upon you? To trust them to toe the limit and not break that bond of trust? To trust them to respect your safewords and not continue to push after you've asked to stop? All of this takes an enormous amount of trust, and in trusting we open ourselves up to vulnerability.

Then there's the appreciation that goes along with that. What kind of an ethical person could not appreciate being trusted in such a manner? It's an odd feeling of pride and humility mixed, that another person could turn themselves belly up and trust you not to eviscerate them.

Summarily, being into BDSM has forced M and I to break down our walls and be vulnerable to each other. We have both cried in front of each other. We have both talked about this vulnerability, and how best to not take advantage of it. BDSM requires such extensive communication that we have almost unwittingly gotten to know each other better - strengths, weaknesses, needs, desires. It's a powerful thing. It is power, knowing that much about someone. It takes a great strength of will to not take advantage, to not use. Upholding that trust only builds more. It's a not-so-vicious cycle.

Not to mention every relationship needs a little fun!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I find myself craving the bottom more lately. I was flogged by M a few nights ago and it was... incredibly intense, but amazing. Now I want more. More flogging, and other things - caning, slapping, spanking. I want to be tied up something fierce.

There's that funny thing about pain. It wasn't entirely enjoyable. Even the pain when I had the needles in my boobs wasn't entirely enjoyable. But I still had a smile on my face. And I still liked it. It's so backwards. But hey, I guess that's what "alternative" is all about.

God, Christmas is far too close. I really need to get going with shopping.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A contribution

Also, I wrote a short story about my needle play experience for Kinky Sex Link. Amped up the poetry and all that. What a good time!

Another notch on the bedpost

Well, another play party under my belt, and this one was goooooood. A lot of great scenes, a lot of things I hadn't seen before - CBT, violet wand play, plastic wrap bondage - and I even did a little topping myself. I got to flog the bottom girl I'd been wanting to flog, although I didn't get to hit as hard as I wanted because it was her time of the month, so she was a little sensitive, and so some sensation play with a bristle brush. It was really fun to get her all worked up with the bristles then paddle her on the ass with the flat side.

I also got to do some needles on the woman who did needles on me the last time. Now that was fun. I didn't do too many or do very pretty designs, but I got to experience it and it was awesome. I could easily do that again. It was fun to watch her sink into the happy piercing place.

It also helped because I was massively comfortable at this party. Physically, I mean. No too-long corset digging into my underarms. I had on some sexy dance pants and a really cute fringed flapper-type top I got at Torrid. All soooo comfy. But I got a lot of compliments, especially on the pants! Melos get compliments wherever they go, that's for sure.

I am sore today though. Funnily enough, not from the party! Friday night I was at a friend's house playing Wii bowling and tennis until the wee hours of the morning. For the first time ever. My arm is definitely not in good Wii-shape! Oh well. Nothing naproxen and rest can't cure.

Speaking of arms being in shape, I was pretty impressed with myself the other night. Not only did I fuck M into several orgasms, but I did it with my left hand! I am generally such a righty, I surprised even myself. We both got good sleep that night. :D

Also, I really really need a harness. I wanted to fuck her while wearing the cock so bad that night. It was ridiculous. Harness: definitely high up on the kinky wish list.

Guess it's a good thing Christmas is nearing! ;)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Un-HNT Post

Well, it's 10:45pm where I am tonight and of course I just remembered that tomorrow is (Half-Nekkid) Thursday, so I attempted a pic. I stripped down, put on my new black fringed top that will be on me for the next play party on Saturday, put on a brand new pair of lacy black boy short undies and plopped the camera in M's hand.


Just... ugh.

It was wrong. I tossed the camera aside in disgust. Pasty, dimply thighs, hunched back, ungraceful hands. What the hell was I thinking? I don't think I've ever felt unsexier in my life. I stripped back down and put on my SpongeBob jammies in frustrated resignation.

M is frustrated too. She couldn't keep her hands off me - almost literally. I kept having to push her away so she'd take a picture, only to have to do it again once she'd snapped the (awful) shot. She apparently thought I was sexy. But how much does that help when I feel like the Michelin Man trying to be a Playboy Bunny?

Oddly enough, though, as I sit here writing this (still in Spongebob jammies!) I'm feeling sexy again. Lord only knows what my hair looks like. Probably not great. The top accompanying those oh-so-couture cartoon pants is an old, faded black tank top. The elastic lining the shelf bra inside the top is about to fall off completely. Any makeup that might have been on earlier in the day is totally gone now. (Anyone else experience total makeup meltdown? It sucks.)

But I feel... comfy. And sexy. Just like I felt pretty sexy earlier this evening in my black track pants and the black v-neck top I had worn to work. Funny how things work.

So apparently I was trying too hard. And that definitely is not sexy, on anyone.

I guess next time I'll get M to take a pic of the jammies, eh?

Saturday, November 8, 2008


I just posted a new contribution on The Femme's Guide: Haircut Causes Minor Identity Crisis.

It's about time I posted something over there!

Friday, November 7, 2008

I've got some 'splaining to do!

Wow, I'm really starting November out with a phlllbbbttttt. I have failed to give any sort of update whatsoever on how my first play party on November 1st went, or the munch that was on the following Tuesday, or... anything at all!

For this I must apologize. However, when your mother has a heart attack and has to be flown over from her coastal town to your own town to be hospitalized in their cardiac care unit, things tend to get a little hectic.

Phew. So yeah. My mom had a heart attack the night of my first play party, Saturday November 1st. The day that will live in infamy. And of course it was the one night I don't have my cell phone on me; it was in my purse in the storage closet at the house where the play party was being held. Suddenly my mom's play partner (a man from my local scene) comes rushing in and pulls me aside, and lets me know my mother's had a small heart attack and is being flown to the hospital over here. Uh... yeah, hello there shock, nice to meet you!

All in all she's doing fine though. Her heart's clear, the heart attack didn't damage her heart at all. She had what the doctor called a classic muscle spasm heart attack, which is actually fairly common in women of my mother's age who are emotional (she is) and going through times of stress (she was). I now tease her that she fretted herself into a heart attack - which basically, she did!

But anyway, she got out of the hospital on Tuesday and has been staying in a hotel here so she can be around friends and family. My aunt came up yesterday to see her and have lunch with us. I've been seeing my mom after work every day except today. So all in all... yeah, busy!

Tonight I have set aside, though, to catch myself up on everything. And I do mean everything. So here goes.

The play party! Aside from finding out my mother had had a heart attack - it was amazing, awesome, wonderful in almost every way. It started out with a sub girl and a switch guy being cuffed to a double St. Andrews cross and being Topped by a gorgeous FemDomme, and just progressed from there. Even M, who had only wanted to come and watch this time so as to not overwhelm herself, played! She stripped and was spanked quite thoroughly by the same FemDomme, who topped just about every sub at that party. It was really really incredible to watch. Everyone was commenting on how nice and tight M's ass is. I must concur. ;)

And yes, I did participate myself! I flogged on the sub girl some, which was great - I totally want to do it more thoroughly next time - and engaged in a little needle play... on myself! The organizer of our local munches does needle play, and I had been wanting to try, so I did. They had me strapped onto a gravity board, which they laid back and propped on a stool so I was horitonzal. My wrists were cuffed to the armrests and my ankles were trapped in between the ankle rests and this thing that reminded me of the bars they use to keep kids on roller coasters. The munch organizer - I'll call her Q - then proceeded to make pretty criss-cross patterns on my boobs with 22 and 20g needles. It was utterly delicious. The 20g needles were a little whoaaaa but all in all I was grinning like an idiot the whole time. And shaking like crazy from the adrenaline! It helped to eat and drink some when I was done, though. I still have the loveliest little red dots and fading bruises on my breasts.

Right boob.

Left boob.

And a fairly crappy cell phone shot of the whole package, including my dopey smile!
So yes, all in all, a very fun night. There's another party on the 15th which I will probably attend. More fun for everyone!
And yes, the munch! That was just about the best munch that has happened yet. A new guy showed up who was pretty cool. Just about everyone was in tears laughing at one point. One girl fell out of her chair. The new guy snorted cheesecake up his nose on accident. Our previously shy waitress finally came out of her shell enough to joke around with the rest of us. It was great!
Oh, and I got my hair cut! Pretty short. It went from almost mid-back (you can kinda see the length in my profile picture) to this:

I am absolutely in love with it. It takes me maybe two seconds to mess with it in the morning and I'm good to go. Plus, love showing off the tattoo on the back of my neck. Maybe I'll make that my next HNT!
Oh, and... HELL YEAH OBAMA!!!!!!! I'm sorely disappointed that people are fighting so hard over banning gay marriage, but I know that fight's not going to be easily won. At least we have Obama and a Democratic House and Senate. At least Oregon voted in a new, Democratic senator instead of keeping the incumbent, a disgustingly rich, Republican buddy of Dubya. And at least abortion rights fared pretty well on the ballots.
The future is bright. It can't not be, when such wonderful changes are afoot. Yes, there are still fights to be fought, but nothing worth having was easily won.
Fight on!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

HNT - getting naughtier!

Happy happy HNT everyone!

My contribution du semaine:

Indeed, that would be my lower abdomen/hips, clad only in brand spankin' new mesh-and-lace undies, with a hint of tattoo peeking through.

I'm really diggin' the hint of curve along the line of my hip. I look like I'm sticking my butt out... but I'm not at all!

And may I just say, I felt SEXEH in those undies. Glad I picked up three pairs - this one, a bright blue pair and, of course, a pretty black pair.

Have a good one!


Monday, October 27, 2008


The bubble of my immediate world seems to be getting more and more genderqueer. Taking M shopping for dress pants, shirts and ties. Scouting around for suspenders. I'm told that next up is a blazer-type jacket. I'm sure binding bras would be somewhere on that list if she didn't absolutely hate bra shopping so much.

I'm excited beyond words about the upcoming party this weekend. My first play party, around Halloween, and all the local people whom I've met so far and want to play with are going to be there. Whether or not I get to play with them all, I think this party is going to go very well. Now I just need to come up with a dish, since it's a potluck party.

I feel oddly disconnected from the kink/sex blogging scene on M's computer. I think it's probably because I don't have my rather extensive list of favorites and my feed reader. Luckily my computer is being worked on right now, so hopefully soon...!

I've been experiencing some frustration lately because I don't feel like this blog is going anywhere. I don't feel like I have a very large audience. But then I think to myself, why do I NEED one? Yeah, I'd love to become a fairly well known sex/kink blogger someday, but (1) Rome wasn't built in a day and (2) a blog, I feel, should be first and foremost for the writer and not for the audience. I need to remember to write to express and organize my own thoughts, not to get a few hits and comments. This blog is primarily for my own review and progress, and should anyone else take enlightenment from its contents, then that's a bonus. A bonus, but NOT the main point.

Of course, I say this and realize that I could very well be alienating what readers I do have. No, I am not waving the finger to my small little circle of readers! If I really intended to share these thoughts only with myself, I'd lock this journal down or write it on paper. Knowledge is power or so it's said, and I'm all about sharing the power of knowledge - particularly on such subjects as are considered "taboo" by the unenlightened.

Last night I was lying on my bed listening to Ellie Lumpesse's interview on her show Bedroom Radio with Sinclair Sexsmith of Sugarbutch fame. I don't know what exactly compelled me to listen to it again, but it is a really good interview. (I urge you to partake if you haven't yet.) Even better when you really take the time to listen to only it and not be distracted by anything else that's going on. The concepts discussed are really thought-provoking. The sex story that Sinclair reads at the end, too, is jaw dropping. The first time I read it I got horny. The second time I read it I could feel my heart fluttering in my chest. I could feel my cunt contracting. I could hear my own breathing inside my head as loud as the roar of the ocean. Somewhere in the back of my head, underneath the semi-orgasmic haze, I was inspired to write my own sex stories. One day.

Well, before I make this post too long, I'm off to track down more smut on the Sugarbutch Chronicles. That Mr. Sexsmith can turn quite the tale.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

It's circulating!

I've been tagged! (I can't pretend I'm not pleased, though.) I don't know that I'll do 14 like Scarlet did, but we'll see what I come up with!

The Rules:
-Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.
-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
-Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am a total dog nut. Hardcore. I love any and all things canine. Well, okay, that isn't true. I dislike certain breeds like chihuahuas, min pins, schnauzers (unless they're giant schnauzers), spaniels, miniature/toy poodles, and miniature dachshunds. In fact, I pretty much hate that people feel the need to (a) miniaturize everything, and (b) intentionally breed mutts, call them stupid -doodle or -poo names and then sell them like they're some rare find or something.

2. I'm a bellydancer. I do mostly dark fusion stuff, but my movement vocabulary is based in raqs sharqi. My bellydance idols are Kami Liddle, Amy Sigil and the rest of UNMATA, the Indigo, Tempest and a plethora of truly talented, inspirational local dancers.

3. I'm constantly obsessed with changing my hair. Changing color, style, length... I'm pretty much never fully satisfied. For instance, right now I love the color (dark, rich brown), but I rather want to chop it all off. It's almost mid-back right now, but I've been increasingly thinking about chopping it all off to a pixie length. And playing with curls. Ad infinitum.

4. I loooooooooooove body mods. I have 9 piercings - three in each lobe/lower helix, the first holes stretched to 10g and going further, an industrial and a nostril piercing - a host of retired piercings including tongue, navel and random ear piercings - and 4 tattoos. To me this is far too few and I will be getting many more of both as finances permit. My next piercing will be either a VCH or sternal microdermals, and my next tattoo will be a watercolor-esque tiger lily piece on my upper left arm. I also love the ideas of scarification, branding and suspension, although the only two I would probably try would be the scarification and suspension. MAYBE. We'll see if the opportunity ever arises.

5. Within reason, I will try anything once. I figure, if I'm going to dislike something, I'd better have a firsthand reason behind that dislike and not rely on the judgement of other people. And who knows, something I thought I'd dislike, I might actually turn out to like! For instance, sushi grew on me. In a big way. Anal sex, however, did not. I can give, but not receive.

6. This election is the first in which I've truly participated. In fact, I just registered not a month ago - Independent. I was too young to vote in either of the Dubya elections, although I knew I didn't like the man. After that I just didn't care enough to really do more than form a loose opinion of the candidates involved in whatever election it was. This one I'm totally in. And I don't think I have to say who I'm voting for!

7. My most hated chore is folding/putting away laundry, but I force myself to do it because I also can't stand digging through a laundry basket full of clean laundry and having it come out all wrinkled. Although, speaking of wrinkles, I don't own an iron. Anything that needs de-wrinkled either goes in a steamy bathroom or in the dryer!

8. Nothing - at least, nothing I've experienced thus far - gives me quite as much of a thrill as flogging/paddling/whipping/caning/otherwise beating the crap out of a willing bottom. I LOVE leaving marks. Of any kind. Mmmmm.

Okay, I'm stopping at 8. Hmm, who to tag...

And, to expand it beyond the sex blogger circle... Dimmie!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Hottie

Soooo, the Hottie! This would be the prize picked out by M and I after winning Shay's S Spot contest, generously hosted by EdenFantasys. Our only limitation was that the prize had to be less than $60, and this bad boy fit the bill. Of course, that's not the only reason we chose it. We chose the Hottie because I wanted something that vibrated (I was absolutely certain I would not get off on being fucked by a regular ol' cock-shaped lump of plastic - more on THAT later) and because I wanted something a little more realistically shaped than the rather cheap vibrator I'd subsisted on for some time. M, having no experience picking out sex toys of her own, just went along and contributed things she thought she wouldn't like. The Hottie contained none of these things.

A little about the Hottie! It is phthalate-free silicone, hypoallergenic and latex-free, rating a 10 out of 10 on EdenFantasy's material safety chart. It is also harness compatible, although unfortunately I don't have a harness so I couldn't test that theory. It comes with a removable bullet vibe which fits snugly into a hollow in the base of the cock.

So, I relayed our choice to Shay who then passed it on to EdenFantasys and in about a week, just as promised, a little box arrived at the end of our breezeway. I'm pretty sure I actually squeed out loud from sheer delight.

Upon unveiling the Hottie, I was rather pleasantly surprised. He was not as long as he appears in the photo, but thickness was a pleasing hefty average - maybe not enough for you hardcore girth lovers but certainly enough for my tastes - and the color... ohhh my, let me just say, the Hottie is beautiful. In the picture the Hottie looks like a vaguely pearlescent blue, but in reality, he is swirled with various subtle shades of shimmery blue. The head is separated from the shaft by a nice ridge, and there's even a hint of a vein running down the underside of the shaft.

I automatically fitted the bullet into the hollow base - nice and easy there, no troubles - and pushed the button that controls the speed. The vibe IS only one speed, but it's a nice moderate speed, easily felt all throughout the cock. And, major plus, this thing is battery-equipped! No junk drawer hunting necessary! I touched the head of the cock to my clit through my pants, and a pleasant shiver went down my spine. The vibe strength of the Hottie will be nothing for the Hitachi-faithful out there, but for those who prefer a less extreme vibe, this is awesome. It's not weak by any stretch of the imagination. Really quite perfect.

M and I gave it a test run that night. She lubed me up - water based on a silicone cock, remember! - and began gently easing the Hottie into my cunt. To my surprise, it was actually a little uncomfortable at first! I didn't think I'd have any issues taking this silicock because I am no virgin and my last man was quite well equipped - as big as if not bigger than the hottie - but apparently I had downsized a bit since my last foray into hetero sex. Once the Hottie was well seated, however... ohhhh yesssss. Like I said before, for you major size lovers the Hottie may disappoint, but for those of you who like slightly-above-average length and girth, the Hottie is heavenly! The middle of the shaft and the head are nice and firm, as well. Really quite like an erect, flesh-and-blood cock: mostly rigid, but still somewhat pliable. There is a slight upward curve to the cock that allows the head to nestle right against the G-spot, which was absolutely scream-worthy once the thrusting began.

And actually, to backtrack a little, I should say that the Hottie also produced a very nice clit orgasm as well. It took a little longer I think because the broader head of the Hottie was not able to focus as intently on my clit as, say, my more slender, tapered "cheap" vibe, but the orgasm was just as intense and enjoyable. And at least for me, the broader head could be considered a plus because the Hottie was not able to be TOO intense on my extremely sensitive clit.

Ah, but yes, the downsides. There are a few. For one, the bullet vibe is harder than hell to get out of the damn thing. M managed it herself, but the next night after I fucked her, I actually had to get her to help me take the vibe out because it nestles so tightly into its little nook. Also, because the base is hollow, it was a little hard to get a nice tight grip on the cock for hard, fast thrusting - it kept collapsing in my hand and making me lose that strong grip I needed. However, the flared base does help compensate for that. I also should mention that the Hottie isn't silent. I don't require a silent toy, but for those of you who do, the Hottie isn't it. It IS really pretty quiet, though. Able to be heard through covers, maybe, but not through a closed door. Soft music would easily muffle any sound you didn't wish to be heard.

Oh, and that whole "can't get of without a vibration" thing? Ha, I was called on my bullshit big time! At one point M turned off the vibe and just fucked me with the "plain ol' lump of plastic." It was just as good as being fucked with the vibrating cock. Just as good. I am totally sold on quality dildos now. They sure as hell don't all need to vibrate, which is great because it opens me up to a whole new world of choices!

To put it frankly, I was fucked senseless with this thing. It was absolutely unreal. I remember saying to M afterward, "If I can't have real cock, this is the next best thing." And I still believe that. I really don't think you would be able to attain better quality for the very reasonable price.

So, a summary!

The pros:
Phthalate- and latex-free, hypoallergenic, sterilizable
Harness compatible
A nice blend of "pretty" and "realistic"
Battery included for the vibe
Overall size slightly above average, a great "middle of the road" cock
Not too soft or hard throughout most of the shaft
Nice moderately strong vibe

The cons:
Hollow base makes it dificult to get a strong grip for hard, fast fucking
Difficult to remove the bullet vibe for cleaning
Not a completely silent toy

Overall, easily 4 out of 5 stars. The Hottie is HOT.

Present and accounted for

No, no, I swear this blog is NOT dead!

What is dead, however, is my computer, so I've been surviving on the bare Internet essentials using M's computer, which of course makes a snail look like Mach 5. It's ridiculous.

I am still vastly enjoying the Hottie although regrettably I have not gotten - or perhaps taken is the better word - the chance to have some "me time" with it. ;-) A review is forthcoming, however. I've been thinking more and more about it. In fact, I may work on it after I write this catch-up post.

Our first play party is November 1st! I'm insanely excited and already making a list of things I don't want to forget to bring. Its imminence has also brought into sharp relief how few pairs of sexy underwear I own, and in general sexy clothing. I have a black corset which I fully intend on wearing, but... that's about it. No skirts (that fit me anymore, ha), and only a couple pairs of pants I feel truly SEXY in. Time to go shopping! As if I need an excuse.

I've been thinking about just bringing the majority of my blog over here, since so much of my life seems to be characterized by sexuality, gender, kink, and all of the wonderful things that are addressed in this blog. I hardly post on my 'nilla blog anyway, except for silly memes and whatnot. We'll see. One thing's for certain, you'll probably be seeing more day-to-day type stuff on here. I love writing the big epiphany posts and recounting sexual adventures, but that's not all there is to life - not even all there is to a kinky life. I want to share the whole experience. Sorry if that bores you. ;-)

I need to get to thinking about a Halloween-themed HNT. Too bad I don't still have my cute cobweb-patterned witch's hat. Heheheh.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Slinking back in

Wow, I've been pretty AWOL, haven't I? Terribly sorry. Feel free to spank me. ;-)

No, in all honesty, not much has been happening that would prompt me to post up until a couple days ago. A couple days ago, M's prize from Shay's S Spot contest, the Hottie from Eden Fantasys arrived.

Oohhhh my! I haven't masturbated with the toy yet so I'm holding off on an official, thorough review, but being fucked with it gets at least four out of five stars. I absolutely adore it.

And yes, being fucked with it. Thaaaat was a very good night. Not only did I get fucked with a toy that is probably one of the best alternatives to real cock (for those who go for real cock), but M got a little toppy. And I. Loved. It.

It's interesting for me to think back on when I said I didn't think M topping me would work since our relationship wasn't very switchy and she didn't think she was very switchy. Both of those statements have proved to be very, very false! M can most definitely be switchy as evidenced by how toppy she got with me the night we played with the Hottie: pinning me down, verbally topping, even a bit of forced orgasm play. I was absolutely digging it, so apparently I can be topped by her!

Also interestingly, this switching up seems to have relieved a bit of tension in our relationship, and I think I understand why. Before, our relationship was pretty strictly Dom/sub. I was the Dominant, she was the submissive, and things got shaken up whenever she didn't act submissive. Sometimes she could be put back into subspace; sometimes she couldn't, and that led to pretty nasty arguments when it happened. But now things seem to click more easily in our relationship. Outside the bedroom we almost have a fairly vanilla seeming relationship, with equal levels of power exchange. Of course, both of us know that's entirely not true. :-D

I certainly don't get pissed off anymore if she acts a little toppy, which had definitely smoothed out our dynamic.

Oh, and I have also discovered something else about myself - in particular, my bottomy side - that doesn't come as a surprise at all: I am one very smart-ass bottom. I don't say smart-ass masochist (SAM) because I'm not a very hardcore masochist; I don't say smart-ass sub because to me that implies some level of permanence in the position. But I am most definitely a smartass bottom. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys challenge and enjoys cooking up creative ways to shut up a bottom who won't stop making snarky, sarcastic remarks and taunting the Top. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys struggle - a bit of a fight.

Luckily for me in my relationship with M, she is that kind of Top. It sure keeps things fun in the bedroom - even outside the bedroom to a certain extent, since we're both pretty snarky and smartass.

This lightening of the mood overall is really quite enjoyable. The episodes of serious power struggle are pretty much over. We joke about it more often now, and play around with power struggle/exchange.

Anyhoo, stay tuned because if I don't get too busy, a very nice HNT should be coming up this week, and probably following next weekend a full review of the Hottie should be out!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sex vs. Gender

(Crossposted from my post on the Femmes Guide.)

Sex vs. Gender

An interesting concept, the thought of sex versus gender as though they were two opposing fighters in the boxing ring. Think about it – how often on, say, applications or other miscellaneous forms do you see “Gender: M___ F___” or “Sex: M___ F___?” (The fact that there are only two genders on these forms is a whole other, and often addressed concept.) The vast majority of the world sees these two terms as completely interchangeable, although some might argue that “gender” is slightly more appropriate, given the obvious double-entendre of the word “sex.” (Cue Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me line, “Sex… yes please!”) However, in my cognitive travels, I have reached a fork in the road, with a sign on a pole in the middle:
Yes, please forgive my shoddy photo editing. It gets my point across. And that point is: we are no longer in a time where sex can unerringly equal gender, where the two can be swapped back and forth like partners at a swingers party. If we are to adopt the theory of orbiting in a gender galaxy as opposed to standing in a spot along the linear spectrum of binary gender assignment, then we also have to make the conscious decision to separate the two terms and use both to specify the context in which we are speaking. No longer, I feel, does “sex” always equal “gender.”

Sex, aside from being a pleasurable and sometimes procreative act, should ideally refer to the reproductive and genital organs a person was born with. A person of the male sex would have the XY chromosome, a penis and testes. A person of the female sex would have the XX chromosome, and at the very least a vulva, if not also the vagina, uterus and ovaries. (I am trying to take into account those born with defects. Bear with me, for the sake of my point.) Those who are neither, or in between in the biological sense are often referred to as hermaphrodites, or intersex. (See, there’s that term again. Intersex. Not intergender.)

Gender is a whole other ballgame; one, as mentioned before, often discussed. Gender is a huge hot topic in the world of alternative lifestyle. Going even further beyond the now-well known ideas of transgender and transvestitism are the ideas of genderqueer, cisgender, and genderfuck. Those terms do tie in with the ideas and various practices of transgender – they’re almost “umbrella terms” under which the more specific identities and practices exist – but oddly enough, while transgender and transvestitism are better known and more or less accepted (even if the people who practice them are not), the terms that describe them in their general state are new, buzzworthy, revolutionary even. The genderqueer concepts of “butch” and “femme” in the newly discovered gender galaxy are becoming more widespread and being more deeply explored than ever. No longer is “butch” just a term – or a nickname – for the burly, leather vest wearing, ‘do-rag sporting Harley biker with bad tattoos. No longer does “femme” just bring to mind the movie title Femme Fatale and more importantly, no longer is femme interchangeable with the term “feminine.” The era of gender enlightenment has been born. I for one cannot wait to see it flower into maturity.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Half-Nekkid Titties

Also, happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

See? I am working my way up. First it was a leg - now it's tits in a bra!

It just occurred to me that this is a very interesting picture for me to post due to my dislike of my breasts. I've always wondered about my dislike of my breasts since I tend to quite like the rest of me. It's nothing to do with a dissatisfaction of my female body, that's for sure. Sometimes I almost wonder if it doesn't come from all my years working in the veterinary field, where large teats on a bitch/queen were a sign of her having given birth, which wasn't always a favored thing in my line of work. I've been known to say that I dislike my breasts because I feel like "a bitch in heat," which isn't exactly factually correct, because a bitch in heat does not tend to have swollen breasts. But, as a saying, I suppose it's true enough. My breasts remind me too much of my reproductive organs and what they're meant to do, even though they WON'T be doing what they're "meant" to - ever. I'm only a C-cup, but I'd still love to get a breast reduction someday. I envy Catalina her tiny boobs.

On a brighter note, I originally posted this picture just to show off my pretty new bra! It's pretty basic, but I just adore, adore, adore that twisted ribbon detail in between the cups. And yes, that mark above the left cup (on your right) would be a hickey. M just thinks that's sooooooo hilarious.

Happy HNT everyone!



I have been such a neglectful blogger these past several days. Shame on me. (Who wants to deliver the spankings? Hee.)

I went through every blog on my kinky blogroll to find inspiration. Funnily enough, mentioning to a friend that there haven't been many kinky happenings in my life lately (I know, how sad) reminded me that M and I had an interesting conversation last night, between all the bickering.

A woman in the local scene has been talking about holding mini-seminars for such things as knife play, fire play, needle play, the many ways to flog, etc etc. I guess that got M thinking about what she would and wouldn't do. Knife play we've already done, so that's obviously a go. Fire play - haven't talked about that much. She's a bit of a pyro though, so I imagine she'd be favorable. Flogging - duh. Needle play, though... interestingly enough, she said that's one thing she absolutely does not want to do. This surprised me because she's not afraid of piercings - she's talked about wanting to get an industrial done, and her nipples pierced once she's had top surgery. But then, I guess it's different for some, having something more or less permanently pierced for aesthetic/sensation purposes, and having needles basically threaded or woven through the skin just for play.

Me? I'm all for it. I'm pretty sure I already told that local woman at our last munch (the inaugural munch!) that I'd be more than willing to engage in needle play. Yum.

Oh yeah, and no fucking kidding about people coming out of the woodwork. S. Oregon's no, say, Portland or Seattle or any metropolitan area, but for a fairly small, conservative city with no major cities around it, there's a pretty good scene here! And it's getting so much better. Maybe it's only getting better because I'm officially a part of it. Either way, exciting.

S'all for now! Thinking about trying to get back into writing some erotica at some point. We shall see...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Munchify me cap'n

Soooo! My first munch was last night. Actually... my first "scene" event ever.

Wow. WOW. FUN. Seriously, if play parties are even more fun than that, I dunno how I'm going to handle it (except by jumping in with both feet, naturally). It felt SO GOOD to get out of the house, meet new people, and interact with them. I finally got to meet a girl I'd been talking to on FetLife for some time, and I got my first real look at people who are just as fucked up (in a GOOD way, thank you) as I am! They really do exist! Not that I doubted it. Still, the affirmation is nice.

And the people! They were awesome! Everyone was polite, most were hilarious, and a good chunk of them I'd actually kinda like to play with either by topping, bottoming to, or partnering in a role over or under someone else.

I am definitely looking forward to further events, including my first play party. Should be a damn good time.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


There is a side of myself that I desperately need to explore. It is a side that so rarely comes out in the way that it should. My service side.

It's fairly well-known (at least, I think) that I'm a switch and that in my relationship with M, I fill the dominant role, quite naturally; she brings out the Dom in me and for the most part, I bring out the sub in her - although lord knows she loves to push the limits! I should really talk to more Tops who Top Tops, and devise better strategies. ;)

(That is another post into itself. I believe M is switchier than she thinks.)

In any case, my submissive side in general is a side that has been explored very little. In fact, the most exploration it gets, besides inner contemplation, is talking to my mother (a sub) and reading subs' blogs and a few forums on FetLife.

However, that's what brings me to write this post: those damn forums on FetLife. They'll getcha every time! I lurk on two forums: Service, and Domestic Servitude. Mostly for inspiration, really. Those women have some really excellent tips for running a household, lemme tellya. It's when they get to the drive behind it all, the theoretical talk, that I start getting wistful.

I do take great satisfaction in keeping my own house functioning. Most of those women undoubtedly put me to shame with their houses, and I should really be more consistent in my cleaning/tidying, but when it gets done, man, do I love it. But is it the same? Is the satisfaction as great as when someone else acknowledges and appreciates? M, while not exactly service oriented (she's really not domestic beyond her talent for cooking - my own untamed chef; she's more handy), positively glows when she's done something - from as simple as mowing the lawn to her current project, repainting the bathroom - and I voice my appreciation in the simplest form: "Good girl."

I want that glow.

It can be tough to be a mostly monogamous switch. Especially one who hasn't yet become majorly active in the scene. (Although that's changing, starting Tuesday!) I'll either find a way to explore it or find a way to live with it. Can't be too hard, when I get to tie up and flog this:

Don't you think?

Friday, September 12, 2008

The new anti-label movement

Ladies, gentlemen, and all those in between,

I have something profoundly awakening to say.

I do not label. I orbit.

Okay, I know what I'd be thinking if I were on the outside reading this. "Alllllright then! Someone's been knocking back a few too many sneaky quick ones!"

But no, seriously! Read Scarlet's post on labels and identity. Tell me if that does not make the most absolute PERFECT sense ever in the sensical world. Okay, I'm exaggerating, I know this, but holy shit, wow! Think about this. Labels are stuck on things, generally with some sort of adhesive substance that is harder than hell to get off. Hell, they sell products just to remove such adhesive substances! So basically, once a label's on something, it's pretty well on there indefinitely. If you want more labels put on, you have to add them to the labels already there, and soon enough, you're covered in labels, without a hint of original identity left. But orbits, oh, that's something entirely different. If a satellite is orbiting around the primary body, it is becoming a part of the primary body's gravitational pull without being submersed in its atmosphere. It remains its own entity, simply within the influence of the primary body. It can just as easily break free from this orbit and enter into the gravitational pull of an entirely different primary body.

That is what we non-binary people do. This is why we call it a gender galaxy.

God, this is such a huge moment for me. This is my liberation. This IS me standing on top of the smoking rubble that was the unit of pigeonholes. I finally get it.

Another exceedingly valid point raised is this: IF I don't believe in binary gender, then why do I have the term "bio-female" in my profile? (Although funnily enough, in subsequent profiles and bios that I have written, that term is absent. It didn't feel right. Now I know why.) And furthermore, why do I identify as "21F Switch" on FetLife? Why is that not "21GQ Switch?" But... how genderqueer am I? I may not be into binary gender/sexuality, but does the tiny little midget butch inside me really legitimize me embracing the genderqueer identity? Or am I genderqueer simply because I acknowledge that there is more to life than male-born-with-a-penis-female-born-with-a-vagina?

Although for what it's worth, after work I changed into my long, loose denim shorts and stripped down to the black tank I wore underneath my work shirt today, and went to wash the walls in the bathroom in prep for M to paint them. I caught a glimpse of myself in the medicine cabinet mirror, balanced on my tippytoes on a chair, shorts slipping down under my tum, tank top riding up, sweaty hair tendrils flying everywhere as I put sheer force of muscle into scrubbing the walls... and damned if I didn't think I was hot. So maybe I'm more genderqueer than I think.

And in the end, it only matters to a tiny, minute, fractional extent, because if I do identify as genderqueer, it is not ALL of me. It's not stuck on me. It's there, and I am in its orbit. I can break free any time I wish.

MAN that feels good.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Happy first HNT, self!

Yes, finally! The inaugural post of my participation in the Half-Nekkid Thursday project. I'm starting out slow and easy - there's plenty of time to get to the juicy stuff!


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Oh, and by the way...

I'm now a contributor on Scarlet's Femme's Guide! Talk about stoked!

Now I just need to figure out what to write...

Just a taste of vanilla

How is it that when you're a kinky person, vanilla sex becomes somehow... interesting? Interesting like a quirky but oddly intriguing poem that you just can't help but sit back and ponder.

And oddly, it wasn't even sex. Sunday M stayed naked for most of the day, I think mostly because she was feeling too lazy to even put clothes on after her shower. Later in the evening, we were both laying on the bed - she just cuddling, me reading - when I couldn't help but take advantage of her nudity. I started playing with her clit while I was reading. After a while she got huffy because I wasn't paying full attention to her, even though I thought it was kinda fun to multitask like that, so I put the book aside and focused on her clit. Fingers first, delving into a little experimentation with a vibrating back massager, and when that turned out not to work do well, our actual vibrator.

And.. well, aside from the fact that we're two chicks, and she's genderqueer, it was completely vanilla. Hardly any sadism on my part, hardly any teasing, and I didn't even make her ask to come - and instinctively, she knew that.

Going back to vanilla sex kind of felt like finding that soft, tattered baby blanket in a box in the closet. The cherished roots, beginnings, nostalgia, old memories.

Next time I think I'm going to tie her up and beat the hell out of her. And make her hold the vibrator in her pussy while I'm doing it. :-D

God how I want a strap-on. Or at least a second vibrator.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Tomboy femme

So funnily enough, despite my bemused ramblings regarding labels, I have found one that has struck me like a tuning fork. (Cue drooling dogs.)

"Tomboy femme."

You can thank Sinclair for that one. Talk about a term that nails me on the head.

Then I came across this post by Essin'em on the Femme's Guide to Everything and it got me thinking more about the concept. I'm still unclear on the exact differences between femme and feminine (although I know they're there), but the idea of wearing a dress and heels - or, conversely, sweats and a tee, such as what I'm wearing now - and still kicking ass and taking names makes me want to pump my fist and shout, "HELL YEAH!"

The finest example of this (besides the darling Essin'em herself) would be my mother. I couldn't really tell you whether she's femme or feminine (maybe both?) but she certainly kicks ass in her cute skirts and cleavage-showing tops. That cute purse she's carrying? Yeah, it contains no less than four weapons meant to inflict serious damage should anyone try to fuck with her without permission. This just makes me swell with pride. My mom kicks ASS.

ANYWAY! Back on topic. I seemed to fall into the more femme role - or rather, my androgynobutch girlfriend just brings it out in me - but it felt incomplete somehow. How the hell could I be a femme when I'm such a... well, a tomboy?

Well, there you go! I can do it all! I can be a kick ass multitasking tomboy femme. AND, on top of it all, I can wrap these labels around me without letting them take me over and drown me. I AM the labels; they are not me. (Oh, how cheesy.)

Also, I am becoming more and more interested in a harness. I'm in love with this one - only I think I'd have to get it in black. The idea of not only fucking my girlfriend with a cock, but being a femme who fucks my butch girlfriend with a cock - that just tickles me pink.

This rapidly unfolding world before me is unceasingly fascinating, and I think the ride's going to be a lot of fun.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Makin' me a munch!

Urgh. I keep meaning to take a photo and post it for Half-Nekkid Thursday, but I keep forgetting! One of these days I will get around to it. I do have that as-yet-never-worn corset to show off, after all.

Nothing too sexy happening at home lately, minus the ever present teasing. I swear M's nipples get their own version of "morning wood," at which point they're irresistible. Meow.

On an exciting note, I'm helping form one of the first local munches around here! I'm really, really jazzed about this. There is a munch around here, but it rotates cities so isn't always available locally. Eventually I'll make it to that one, but in the meantime it's absolutely thrilling to not only expect a truly truly local munch, but also help organize it!

On that note, I'm really damn hungry, so I think I'm gonna go hunt me some food.

Monday, September 1, 2008

A conglomeration

Wow, okay, it's September! A turning of the year, in this climate anyway. Things start cooling down, leaves on trees are fading, students are going back to school...

There's a certain newness in the air that's reflected in my own life. My new job that I start tomorrow, the new 365 Women's Photo Challenge I'm undertaking, and just the simple fact that this blog is still really damn new, and has so many places to go. The anticipation, the sense of untold opportunities is almost overwhelming. Maybe this blog isn't the only thing going places. Maybe I am too. It feels that way, right now at least.

On a somewhat kinkier note, CurvaceousDee turned me on to a photo contest held by Shay at The S Spot, and I wasn't doing anything important last night so M and I entered. My entry is here, and this one is M's. I particularly like M's; mine didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. Win or lose, though, coming up with the ideas and executing them was a lot of fun!

A thought that has been rolling around in my brain lately (banging up against all the other thoughts) is that of titles, and labels. The more I read around - in blogs, on websites I come across - the more titles I am exposed to. Two good examples would be the blog of The Femmenist Fucktoy, and Sinclair Sexsmith's Sugarbutch Chronicles. The discussion and exploration of these various titles and their deeper meanings is fascinating, but there again I find myself using the word "overwhelming," because wow, that's what it is! So many of the things that those two - and others - write about resonates with me on many levels, but at what point do I cap myself off? At what point do I say, "No more labels?" Mostly I identify as femme, but some days I feel butch! And the term "fagette" that ScarletLotus recently wrote about described me almost perfectly (well, minus the optional lesbian part). For a long while I identified as bisexual, but then I finally grasped the term pansexual and, what do you know, it fits, so now I'm that! "Thank you, I'll have the Pansexual Combo with a large side of Femme, a small thing of Butch - lightly salted - annnnd hell, throw in a Fetish for dessert." I have a list blog; I almost want to start a list of all the things that I could and do identify as just to keep them all straight! There are times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Dammit, I'm just ME! I'm the one standing on top of all these pigeonholes!" I just want to float along in the ocean of gender and sexual identification without washing up on any of its shores. I want to absorb it all.

Still, though, it's fun to discover new facets of my identity because in discovering them, I am generally also discovering new people with whom I can - and sometimes do - make a connection. Dog knows I am desperately trying to make connections anywhere I can, since I live in a fairly conservative backwater where drag queens and trannybois aren't exactly roaming the streets at large. Maybe one day I will be able to talk about these things face to face with somebody. Until then, the musings of bloggers more enlightened than I remain my only salvation.

Saturday, August 30, 2008


Last night, I discovered the most effective way to put M smack-dab into subspace.

Make her blind.

After I wrote that blog, I went nonchalantly into our (dark) bedroom and returned to the living room with our toybox. I requested she put down her book and remove her clothing, then lay back on the futon with her head at a certain end. Heheh, it made me smile to watch her face go from confusion to comprehension to utter joy.

She did as I asked, at which point I used my lengths of satiny fabric to bind her to the corners of the futon frame. (Have I mentioned that this futon is endlessly useful for my bondage purposes?) I had brought the flogger out from the bedroom as well, but I noticed my long wooden back scratcher lying on the end table, so I picked that up and teased her with it. The flat side (the back of the "hand") was really quite nice for smacking, whereas the curved side (the "fingers") was great for trailing over her skin and teasing her nipples.

But! Apparently the back of the "hand" is quite stingy - I would imagine so, since it left little square red marks everywhere I hit, and I didn't think I was hitting that hard - and she started anticipating the strikes, flinching before I'd even swung the thing. I found it somewhat amusing at first, but then she started flinching away from me, trying to twist her body to make inaccessible the part I was going to hit, and it started pissing me off. So I did the logical thing - I put her hole-less spandex hood on her, so she couldn't see and anticipate the strikes!

It's also worth noting that this was the first time we'd used the hood.

The hood went above and beyond the performance call, though. I swear, as soon as it was fitted over her nose and chin, she fell right into subspace. She didn't flinch, even when I'd run the "fingers" lightly over her ticklish spots. I started to hit harder and she would moan and arch into the strikes.

I imagine it also helped when I tucked the vibrator into her (sensible black cotton) underwear and turned it on to a medium setting.

Since she was sightless, I decided to take the opportunity to do a little texture/sensory play. I ran the tips of the flogger over her skin before hitting her with it. I trailed a soft washcloth over her skin - and cruelly pinched and tugged her nipples with my fingers wrapped in it; she really liked that. I did the same with a lacy pair of my underwear. I grabbed my studded leather belt from the bedroom doorknob and tapped and smacked her with it, running the studs over her nipples. And, as a last minute idea, I got my knife from the bedroom and ran its tip and blunt edge over her skin. I even scraped at her nipples with the sharp edge a bit. I had fun lightly poking her with the tip - she said that itched, so I distracted her from the itchiness by flogging her. :-D

This entire time she's getting more and more turned on by the vibrator on and around her clit - especially when I flogged the area, increasing the vibrator's pressure on her clit.

I was having a lot of fun teasing and torturing her nipples, plagued by my sad lack of nipple clamps. I got an idea, though, which was to use some non-serrated alligator hair clips! I must say, those worked very well as a beginner nipple clamp, because they were firm but not too torturous, and I was able to play with them a lot. (Scraping the exposed nipple with the sharp edge of the knife while the rest was in a clamp seemed to produce excellent results; I liked that particular bit.)

After much of this I travelled back to the vibrator at her clit, and gave her clit some much-needed attention, pulling her underwear aside and working the vibrator around her clit. It didn't seem like very long at all before she started whispering, barely audible, "Please... please..." At which point I asked her to please speak up, because I couldn't hear her. She repeated, louder. I asked her, "Please what?" "Please... may I... come?" (I suppose it's hard to speak between moans and gasps.) My response: "Mmm... what would you do if I said no?" A keening sort of whine escaped her lips. I chuckled and told her, "You may come." I think the vibrator shifted at that point though, because she bucked away, gasping that it was too directly on her clit, to the point of pain (the non-pleasurable sort, I imagine!). Luckily not all was lost, because not long after that she began moaning and gasping again. I informed her that she had permission to come whenever she was ready. That was a lovely orgasm to watch - her hips arching, higher, tenser, and then shuddering lower, lower, until she was pressing into the futon mattress.

She wasn't actually all that eager to have the hood removed. When I tried, she cringed, saying the light (just one, from the ceiling fan) was too bright, so I shrugged and put it back on her!

My parting observation was that her sexhead was really kind of cute. Since she chopped all her hair off, she doesn't get bedhead in the same way I do - hers just sticks up all over the place, like she stuck her finger in a light socket. So cute.

Needless to say, we went to sleep very satisfied last night. And I was not at all disappointed to be so tired the next morning at work.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Random thoughts

Argh... too many thoughts running through my head. That's what I get for reading so many blogs of others.

My first and foremost thought is how FUCKING much I love butch women. I'm hesitant to go into this much because lord knows I'd probably end up saying something inadvertently offensive (open mouth, insert foot!) but seriously, wow. Reading Sugarbutch Chronicles just puts it all in perspective in a really "WOW" kind of way. There was a picture on the website showing two "womyn," as was quoted in the caption, working on building... I think it was a stage or a catwalk or something. One picture was a closeup of one girl's hips, around which was a loosely draped toolbelt. Oh. My. GOD. I think I got a shiver down my spine. That just takes the whole image of a "sexy construction worker" to a whole new level.

And that's all I'll say on that subject, before I get a taste of my toeses.

Another, less happy thought I have roiling around in my mind is the WHY behind my reluctance for sex. Yeah, what the FUCK, right? I don't consider myself to have a low sex drive. It's THERE. I fantasize. I see people out in the world and want to know them sexually. I get myself off. But something goes really damn wrong when it comes to fucking my partner. I think about it at night, when we're in bed - I think about the toolbox on the floor beside our bed that we have converted into a kinky toybox, about the flogger hanging on a nail on the wall at the end of our bed. Hell, I flogged her a few times the other night. Heheh, it was fun! I fucking love flogging! So why don't I want to put forth the effort to actually FUCK my partner? Am I that lazy? Is there some underlying reason that demotivates me? It certainly isn't her. I mean, come on - it goes right back to my love of butch women. She is the ULTIMATE butch woman because she is MY butch woman. I most certainly find her attractive, desirable - mentally and physically! So what the fuck is my problem?

You know, it probably is laziness. My lazy ass falls into bed and just wants to go to sleep. Yeah, well, a good sex life is well worth losing a little sleep. I need to get it together.

Speaking of which... you know what, we pulled the futon out for some good sprawling/cuddling time. I want to try some spread-eagle bondage. Later, y'all. ;)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My first KSL post!

On a less self-pitying note, I just posted my first blog over on Kinky Sex Link! Go check it out, eh?

Edit: Ha, I just realized I made "my first" KSL post right after my previous post here talking about firsts! And it's not even September yet. ;)


You would think that with all the thoughts running through my head lately, I would have something to write about. Yeesh.

September feels like it will be a month of firsts. For one, I'm starting my new job in September. A 365 days of pictures project in which I'm participating starts in September (that should be an interesting endeavor). And, or at least I'm hoping, my first munch will be in September.

I'm part of a regional group that does monthly munches (among other activities) in various cities in my area. July I just missed and August there was no munch because most of the group organizers were going up to a BDSM campout. Sooo, come September, I'm hoping...! I feel like that will be my "big break" into the BDSM world. I may actually have something interesting about which to write at that point.

I'm sorry, to the few readers I may have. I feel like a well run dry, and I've only just begun. I guess there are just a couple more obstacles I have to overcome to be a truly good kink blogger - being actually IN the realtime scene would be one of them!

The Internet makes the world feel so small that it's a huge disappointment when I realize that all of these friends I have online, kinky and otherwise, are nowhere near me. I will most likely never be able to see, hug, kiss, have coffee with or chat face to face with any of them. It's saddening because of course the Internet opens a person up to meeting the coolest people. Naturally, none of the coolest people exist anywhere near me!

I'm sorry again. I didn't mean for this post to turn into a pity party. I just wanted to write something so that this blog doesn't get an abandoned feel to it. I want very much to be a successful kink blogger. Of course, every road in life has its bumps and rough spots - I guess this is just one of them.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Kinky Sex Link!

I am very excited to announce that this little baby blog run by this newbie kinkster will be contributing to Kinky Sex Link!

I'm still not sure if I will contribute by writing themed entries, or just crossposting from this journal. Maybe both. Not sure, really! I almost feel a little overwhelmed! Where to begin!

This is where I'd love to have a kinky version of LiveJournal's Question of the Day. Writing prompts for the win!

Monday, August 25, 2008

The face behind the mask

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I read someone's blog, I like knowing that they're human - that there's a real person with strengths and weaknesses, strong points and flaws, behind the words. With that in mind, I chose to write a little about me. (Sorry though stalkers, it won't be enough!)

Starting with the obvious: I am a twentysomething bio-female. I do identify mostly as female, but I don't dig binary gender roles. I like to get butchy on occasion. I like to alternate between growing my hair out and cutting it short, between wearing heels and low-cut blouses and wearing jeans, Chucks and a men's t-shirt.

I am a woman of substance. That is to say: I'm chubby! And for the most part, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll never be slender or willowy. I would like to be in better shape, but I'm getting there.

I'm in a lifelong relationship with an awesome girl, known here as M. She is bio-female but identifies as genderqueer. She is my age.

I am a college graduate. Nothing fancy, just an AA, enough to get me by in the field that I had then chosen. I've since changed fields (some of you know about my new job - now all of you know!). I'm happy about this change!

I'm a bellydancer, a computer geek, a bookworm and a movie nut. A hardcore canine aficionado. Non-religious, politically middle of the road, although I support Obama for President.

I'm pretty damn new to the BDSM scene - hence all the alluding to "journeys" and such around this blog. It's a new adventure, and it's been a good time so far. I think I was always aware of the scene, due to all my time spent in books and online, but it never occurred to me that I could be a part of it until recently. M and I just kind of fell into it, and then I found out my mother of all people was in the scene, and it kind of took off from there. Nothing as accepting as having your own mum in the scene, y'know? She's the one who originally turned me on to FetLife, even.

So that's what this is all about, pretty much. Documenting my journey, my discoveries. I haven't seen too many newbie bloggers out there. So I'm hoping that, in addition to recording some great memories, I'll be able to help a few other newbies realize that it's okay that they're new; it's okay to make mistakes and goof up and be awkward; it's okay to not know what something is or to have to research - in fact, researching anything about the scene is a great way to start! It's okay to be excited about your first munch or your first play party, or even excited about your first piece of leather.

Ugh, I didn't mean to get so sappy. Anyway, that's me. I'm human. I have flaws and weaknesses - junk food being among them! In fact, now that I'm done with this post, I'm going to go switch out the laundry and wash the dishes (by hand). Maybe that'll get rid of my recurring ant problem!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The big move

Well, this blog is officially a product of Blogger now, instead of LiveJournal. It just felt kinda weird being on LJ - I felt too much like a subset of LJ itself, instead of my own person with my own blog. Maybe that's just the franchise LJ has become. Who knows?

In any case, I'm happy being here! I like all the things I can do with my blog layout-wise, I like the setup, I like that I don't have to worry about being "too adult" for the site. (I had that worry with LJ since it seems so teen-oriented there; although, funnily enough, my regular blog is located there and I'm 100% happy with it.)

Anyway, thanks to all who followed me over here from there, and sorry to have to be a pain in the ass about moving around!

Saturday, August 23, 2008


My nipples have reawakened themselves. This is a very, very pleasing development (in a very, very literal sense!).

When I first became sexually active (flashbacks to Juno: "What does that MEAN, anyway?"), my nipples were fairly sensitive, but fine to touch and play with. I enjoyed having them fondled. Then as the years wore on, I found them getting more and more sensitive, to the point where any touch at all was "YAH OW GET THE FUCK OFF" painful. Then it got so bad that just having them rub up against my bra was painful - in fact, the entire breast itself was sore and tender to the touch. I've since developed some ideas as to why my breasts were like that, but the good news is that that particular condition has since died down, thank deity!
Of course, the good news is that my nipples are touchable again! I always figured I'd just be one of those women who can't have her nipples played with, which was not a very encouraging prospect.

The funny thing is... the event that seemed to "trigger" my nipples going back to normal involved them being pinched, pulled and bitten so damn hard that they were bruised for days after. That would also be the same night I came to the conclusion that M can fuck me, if the situation is approached in the right mindset.

My joy at this new development is palpable - particularly last night when my nipples were very nicely played with as a prelude to being very nicely fucked. It was almost enough to make me not miss cock at all!

Monday, August 18, 2008

A positive development

So, remember how I was talking about it being awkward when M fucked me? It felt too much like I was lying back and letting her take control and decide what to do to me. Well, all that changed last night!

We fucked. And when I say "we fucked, " I mean we fucked each other. And may I just say, it felt good. Not awkward at all. I think it helped to approach the whole situation with a different attitude. Well, that and I didn't just lie back and let her have at me - for the most part I was kneeling above her, and she was the one lying back. And I had the mindset of letting her make me feel good, while I made her feel even better.

I think it's safe to say that in the end, we were both satisfied. Lord knows I was, after quite the dry spell on the receiving end!

I still want to rock the subspace eventually, though.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Domestic Dominant

I find myself with nothing of any sexual interest to write, as I have not done much but tease the hell out of M since I tied her up. That in itself is amusing - I really do think I love teasing more than the actual act of sex - but it doesn't exactly grease the wheels of my creativity, blogging-wise.

I do, however, have some thoughts to contribute as far as my odd nature goes. I identify as a switch, but I do not switch with M - she is my submissive, I am her Dominant, and that never changes between us (although she does like to test her limits sometimes, little brat). However, even though M is a sub, she is by NO means a service sub in the sense that she has the responsibility of taking care of all domestic tasks. She does cook more often than I do, but that's more due to her preference (and talent) for cooking, and my indifference to it. I like to eat; I have to be in a special mood to want to prepare what I eat.

The rest of the domestic tasks, like laundry, cleaning, organizing, most yardwork, etc... well, mostly they fall to me. No, "fall" is the wrong verb. I took them on. The house and its immediate surroundings are MY domain, and I take pride in keeping them (or trying to keep them) in top shape. I am the one driven crazy when things get messy, whereas she hardly even notices unless her couch space is overridden with the junk she never throws away. I am the one who cleans up after herself (and M) and devotes days off to chores - M is happy to sit and read among the filth that has accumulated during our long days at work. I am the one who frequents FetLife groups like Service and Domestic Service and derives inspiration from them.

And yet, as I am doing these domestic tasks, I feel no submission. Generally I am content, at peace with myself, sometimes a little pissy at M because there ARE times I wish she would help out around the house more, but doing these domestic tasks in the house we share as partners makes me feel in no way less dominant to her. I just enjoy taking charge of the tasks around the house, getting them done the way I like them to be done.

Part of me wishes Maelynn had a stronger preference for taking over at least some of these tasks. Or at least that she were less of a packrat/slob. But in the end, I am truly my mother's daughter in that I take pride in having a well-kept house. (Or at least, a house that looks well-kept when someone comes over. I wouldn't submit anyone to what it looks like on the average busy day!)

Sunday, August 10, 2008


I almost feel as though I'm stalled alongside the road that symbolizes my journey into and through the world of BDSM. M and I are comfortable in our roles, we've played with various toys - not all of them, mind you; my wish list is still VERY long, but that anticipation of playing with ANYthing, of popping the toy cherry if you will, is no longer there. I feel like I've hit the first roadblock, and it's keeping me from progressing into broadening my horizons - basically, expanding into the rest of the community. I want to meet others! I want to talk face to face to people about this lifestyle, I want to flirt and be a little slutty, and show off my girl to the rest of them. It really, really sucks that there won't be a local munch until maybe next month. I'm ready.

On a more positive note, I seem to have developed a Look that brings M down from uppity-space and puts her right back into subspace. It's quite useful since sometimes she just can't help herself even though she knows I hate it when she's bratty or childish.

I wish I had more to write about. Unfortunately, regarding the kinkier side of things, not much has been going on. FetLife seems to be slowing down some, activity wise - the groups I'm a part of aren't nearly as active as they once were - but I think that has to do with people getting fed up with the very, very slow servers. Which reminds me, I really need to donate. No sense bitching if I'm not going to do anything to help fix the problem!

I'll tellya what, though: many of the people I've met on FetLife are positively bedazzling. These people have such charisma, such personality; I feel like a child among rock stars. I can only imagine what meeting them in person would feel like - probably something similar to being swept up in a flash flood. I would die happy, though, if I drowned in those waters.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

A new experience

Mmmm, so last night was fun! Having taken the flogger out of my overcrowded toybox and hanging it up on the wall, then adding to the box the lengths of satin cloth I figured would make good "rope" until I got some Japanese silk rope or something, I was feeling a little kinky and ready for some action. The perfect moment came when M was lying on the futon in our living room, looking rather inviting. Being that the futon is the only somewhat comfortable furniture I could tie her to (no bedposts, sigh), the situation was opportune.

She had her eyes closed, dozing somewhat, so I crept into the bedroom and grabbed the toybox (which is just a converted toolbox - nothing fancy). I set it down on the footstool, quietly opened it and drew out the lengths of dark green satin. Before she opened her eyes and realized what was happening, I had her arms above her head and was tying her wrists together, and then tying those bound wrists to the armrest of the futon. Oh, I was loving it.

Next came the flogger, and a few testing swats on her thighs and the V of her pussy. The smile that indicates M going into her painslut subspace crept across her face, and I grinned in approval. The swats got more frequent, harder. She couldn't decide whether she wanted to arch into them, or away. At one point she brought her knee up to shield her pussy - I had decided not to tie her ankles for this session - and I gave her an extra-hard swat on that thigh, enough to make her cringe and enough to make me grin in what I imagine was a rather evil manner. I do so love pushing her pain boundaries.

After a short while it occurred to me that I could be SO much more teasing than I was being, and I love, love to tease. So I pulled out our sleek, black vibrator and toyed with her clit for a moment, then pulled her panties aside and slowly slid it into her pussy. It was easy - she was quite damp. I pumped it in and out a few times, making sure she was in the thrall of its vibrating pressure on her G spot, at which point I left it there and secured it in place with her panties, squeezing her thighs shut around it. Again I resumed the flogging, going up and down her torso and legs.

However, nothing is more appealing to me than flogging the hell out of her back and ass, leaving red stripes and blotches in my wake, so I had her flip over, then pulled her shirt up to her shoulders and her panties down under her ass. There's something about playing/fucking with clothes on that excites me - like the urgency of the need is so great that one cannot be bothered with something as minute as clothing removal.

Then came the real fun. She's much less sensitive on her back and ass, so I got to hit her harder. More frequently. I got to witness her ass turning bright apple red, and the telltale stripes and blotches reveal themselves on her back and thighs. My hits became rhythmic, interspersed with agonizingly slow drags of the tails across her ass and back. Naturally, the rhythm of my hits reminded me of music, and conveniently enough I had my laptop - complete with iTunes - right there underneath the toybox. So I started playing some music. Started hitting her to the beats of the music. Every now and then I'd fuck her with the vibrator to the beat of the music. Yes, I think I really do like sex and playing with music!

After some time of this - and me deriving what was probably way too much glee out of Musical Flogging - she begged me to pay her clit some attention, so being the loving Domina that I am to her *wink wink* I withdrew the vibrator from her dripping pussy and began to play it over her clit. She started to get very worked up and I gently reminded her that if she need to ask me something, to please feel free to ask. Finally she begged me to come, and of course my first teasing instinct is to draw away, but apparently she was already on that heady, rushing brink, and my pulling away made her lose her orgasm. I couldn't tell you whose fault it was - hers, for waiting too long? Or mine, for not knowing that a sub begs when she's on the brink? Maybe both, or neither? Eh, in either case, frustrated though she was, she fell into a peaceful doze as I went about cleanup.

I left her tied to the futon for some time, finally letting her go around the time I wanted to go to bed. I discovered that the longer end of the satin that I used to tie her to the armrest made a very nice makeshift leash. I also experimented with bending her arms behind her head, then looping the long end loosely around her neck and tucking it into the opposite wrists's binding, which I liked. Then, finally - sated - we went to bed. She slept the deep slumber of a sub who got exactly what she wanted - well, minus the orgasm of course. But hey, it's healthy for a sub not to get the expected orgasm every time, eh? *wink*

Monday, August 4, 2008

Interesting changes

So M and I just got back from California last night. We stayed the weekend to visit family, and it was great. I got a beautiful black corset free, courtesy of my mother! I cannot begin to tell you how cool it is to have my mother be into BDSM as well.

In any case, that's not the point of this post. While we were there, M and I went shopping with my mother, and we ended up in a department store's men's section looking at ties. My mother wanted a hot pink one to complete an outfit of hers. ;) Anyway, M found a nice black men's dress shirt on sale, so she picked one up, and then idly began looking at ties. I jokingly called her my "little tranny boi." She laughed, but on the road home that night, admitted that when I had called her that, something clicked inside her.

She's been tomboyish for as long as I've known her - before that, even - but up until fairly recently hadn't really taken it as far as she could have. She's always had a boyish body, minus her large bosom, so she felt more comfortable in men's clothes, since they were more suited to her straight frame. She had long, long hair when I met her, though. I don't think it ever occurred to her that she could cut it, because her mother and sister also had very very long hair and they all just cut their hair at home. Even her dad and brother have their hair cut at home. Stylists and experimentation were not really something her family did as far as hair goes.
Well, it wasn't too long into our relationship that we were browsing through one of my fashion magazines (a guilty pleasure) and came across an article detailing various haircuts, one of which was a girl whose waist-length hair had been shopped off into a pixie cut to make her facial features stand out more. It looked gorgeous, and got M thinking about cutting it. I supported the idea - hey, really, whatever she wants to do with her looks is fine by me - so she went and had it done, and it looked great! She loved it so much more because it was so low-fuss; she didn't even have to worry about putting her hair back anymore, or worry about it getting in the way of anything. Plus, it just... suited her. Just another facet of her tomboyishness.

That's a bit of the background. Back to more recently: we got into a pretty deep discussion on the way back home about something clicking inside her when I called her a tranny boi. She's always felt more masculine, always felt awkward when she was "girlified" - and you can tell, she looks a little stiff in her high school formal dance wear, with her hair curled and makeup on. She looks good in makeup, don't get me wrong, but I'm talking more along the lines of smudgy eyeliner, not all the stuff she had on for those dances.

Her biggest hate, though, is her breasts. She HATES them. I understand why - I'd hate mine too if I were an active, athletic girl and had DD to DDD breasts always getting in the way. She hated them also for the aesthetics, particularly their burgeoning presence in her men's clothes. Plus, she told me, she just wants to be able to go shirtless in hot weather like a guy. :D So we began talking about voluntary mastectomies, what I knew of the procedure, the counseling involved, etc.

Then she started asking about full transitioning. She wanted to know everything - what I knew fact-wise, my opinions, etc. The conclusion: she's no transsexual. But genderqueer: oh definitely. She likes having a vagina, she likes our relationship dynamic (which would undoubtedly change if she were to transition fully into a male), and she just likes the idea of being herself, only... androgynous, genderqueer (there's that term again). Herself, only breastless. That's really the final step. She's already got the masculine demeanor, the short hair, the men's clothes.
Throughout it all I told her that I would support her no matter what she chose. I would sure as hell find her attractive without breasts - to be honest, I don't find breasts all that appealing anyway. Sure, occasionally there's the perfect pair I can't help drooling over, but for the most part I'm attracted to the shape of a woman's body in general, or her ass (especially her ass), or her legs. If anything I prefer a woman with smaller breasts, so her breastlessness wouldn't affect me in the slightest. Or at least, it wouldn't affect me in a negative manner.

I will love to see how happy she is after she has them removed, though. I think it will be that final freedom for her. She's fine with her girly bits down below - it's the ones up top she wants gone. So this should be an interesting journey toward her fulfillment.

Monday, July 28, 2008

A few different things

Because I know this can be a sensitive topic, I want to preface this by saying that I fully understand that transsexuals are not a fetish - any more than I am a fetish for my pansexuality, or a fetish because I am a bio-female who identifies as female.

Now that that's out of the way... well, I've always found androgyny attractive. The first girl I was ever in a relationship with was bookishly, boyishly sexy. The first guy I slept with was rather effiminate - long hair, looked DAMN good in makeup. My first serious girlfriend was VERY butch - probably would have been FtM if not for the fact that she was quite literally penis-phobic. My GF/sub now is very tomboyish - short hair, masculine demeanor, wears men's clothes, so on and so forth. She would probably be mistaken for a man on a regular basis if not for her very large bosom.

Lately though, I find myself being drawn more and more to those who identify as FtM. Maybe because they're not as WHOA OUT THERE as drag queens? There is just something undeniably intriguing and attractive about a woman who isn't quite a woman and isn't quite a man. I think that fluidity is part of what attracts me.

This leads me to the line of thought pertaining to my own sexuality. I've got the girl bits and it never occurred to me to not identify as strictly female, even though I spent a childhood in boy's clothes, being one of the boys and still wear men's clothes on occasion, even though I love, love wearing feminine clothes as well. It occurs to me that if my sexuality is so fluid, why couldn't my gender be as well? From what I understand, that's what genderqueer is all about. Embracing both genders - or neither gender. Or all genders?

Sometimes I feel so conflicted within myself. I love my female body - to an extent. I love to switch my hips when I walk, I love my ass. But my boobs are another story. I'm not proud of my boobs. I would be happy if I were to have a double mastectomy. If I ever got breast cancer, the actual cancer part would scare and upset me - not the idea of possibly losing my breasts. I take no pride in my fertility - I'm certainly never going to take advantage of it!

BUT. I love playing with my long hair, I love playing with makeup, I love bellydancing, which certainly showcases the feminine form and abilities. (Even though men are welcome and adored in bellydance.) I love wearing and using a strap on. I loved it when I had short hair and am starting to get that craving for it agan.

I don't know. In the end I have to go with what comes naturally - I'm not just going to try on different identifications like jackets. That's an insult to those who do embrace those identities and take it seriously. And really, nobody says I can't be and do all of these things and just call myself female. Nobody says that just because I call myself female doesn't mean strict lines are drawn around the pink and no edges can be blurred into the blue. Huh. An interesting line of thought anyway.


On a completely different note, things go more or less well in terms of translating into a 24/7 couple. I say "more or less" because we do well when it's just us - at home or in public. Whenever there's somebody else around, though, my GF gets very uppity, almost to the point of trying to switch roles with me, which is absolutely NOT acceptable. Even after, she remains uppity for a while, like she's gotten a taste of brattiness and likes it. I do NOT want a bratty sub. Cheeky, sure; smartass, to an extent, but NOT bratty. I've been trying to think of ways to essentially keep her in line around other people without compromising her public image as a dominant personality. (Yes, she's one of those subs who appears very dominant to those not in the scene.) I love that she doesn't let everyone in the world walk all over her; however, she makes the mistake of blurring the lines between me and "everyone in the world" when others are around. Usually it leaves me wanting to tie her down and beat her - and NOT in a pleasant way!

Speaking of which, I really need to invest in a painful cane or dragon tail whip - something that crosses her line between pleasure pain and PAIN pain.

Anyway, I'll keep thinking on that one. Hopefully I'll come up with something before this weekend, because we're going down to CA to visit family. She's okay being subby around my mother, because my mother's in the scene as well, but she gets BAD around her family, because they don't know. Hopefully I'll come up with some ideas to remind her that she is still my submissive even when she is strong-willed and dominant around her family.
For the record, I'm more than willing to hear others' ideas on how I can accomplish this. :)

Sunday, July 27, 2008


It's been quite the laid back Sunday, so I took some time to browse through my list of favorite kinky blogs - catching up, really. Doing that usually leads me elsewhere, as I tend to open up interesting links in new tabs to browse through when I'm done reading what I originally opened, and eventually I was led from CatalinaLoves' blog to Naughty Secretary's blog back to Catalina's profile on FetLife - with a few detours into Thursday's blog and ScarletLotus' blog - and it really got me thinking how much I envy people who can devote their entire lives to something they love. And not just the kinky people who get paid to be kinky - no, also the people who get to spend their days playing with dogs or crafting bellydance gear or reviewing books and movies and gadgets.

How do those people get so lucky? How do those people escape the drudgery of a job separate from what they love? How do those people make their passions into their work, instead of an extracurricular activity, a hobby, a diversion? I discover these people and I wish, deeply wish I had found the open doors they did.

I've always got my eyes peeled for opportunities. With any luck, and more than a little determination, maybe one day I will become one of the lucky group whose days are devoted to what they love - one of the lucky few who love to do what they have to do.

Monday, July 21, 2008

D/s during sex

I don't know if I'm of a minority or majority line of thought, but I can't help but feel awkward when my girlfriend fucks me, because I feel like I'm the bottom to her Top - not our typical arrangement, as she is very much the submissive and she very much brings out my Dominant side. If that is the case however, then she would be classified more as a service Top, but still, I derive much more enjoyment from fucking her than from her fucking me.

Of course, I can't get by on masturbation alone (that is, until I find a person who brings out my submissive side - the side that wants to be totally out of control and fucked senseless) and I do enjoy thoroughly interactive sex, so this morning I sat back and enjoyed some much needed attention.

It still felt awkward, though. My reactions at the mercy of the woman who I'm used to putting at _my_ mercy. I guess I'm just not one of those switches who can switch with the same person. She still gave me orgasms, and they felt wonderful, but... I guess you could say it wasn't the same as totally letting go.

In any case, I felt much better when, afterward, I pushed her back on the bed and flogged her backside until it was red and welted. Perhaps that is how I can handle being at her mercy - it was certainly an enjoyable way to end awkward yet satisfying sex.

On an unrelated note, I would love to find a flogger that either has a dildo for a handle or has a dildo attached to the handle. Every time I flog her I have this intense urge to fuck her with the handle, but it's too big for her, not to mention a very unwieldy shape. I shall have to keep my eyes open for something of this fashion.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

A new toy!

My GF and I came home from getting her hair cut this afternoon and a much-expected package was waiting for us at the door! I got right inside and tore it open; inside was my beautiful black suede 72-tail flogger, exactly as described.

I started playing with it over my GF's clothes, which she was liking, so I had her strip down and lay face down on the bed, and started taking test whacks. I started out light then went a little harder, alternating between her ass cheeks and back. The thuddiness was gorgeous. It's a nice heavy flogger but without a lot of the severe ouch factor. I had my GF report back to me how different strikes felt, how the thuddiness felt, what the ouch factor was. Everything was well within the realm of enjoyment for her, and DEFINITELY for me. In fact, I could easily have gone harder and longer and still been fine. This is an EXCELLENT flogger for novices! I adore it.

Next up: a better vibrator PLEASE!