Captain Obvious says, "Poly Is Hard!"

So… I’m not even sure where to start. The main thought knocking through my head right now is: poly is HARD. (Cue some of you nodding your heads in sympathetic agreement. And maybe some of you rolling your eyes and smacking me upside the back of the head whilst shouting, “Duh!”) But here’s the kicker. As difficult as any type of polyamory is to maintain, throwing long distance into the mix is like throwing a wrench into gears that are already a little rusty.

There are so many issues that couples can have that a little face to face time and even just physical contact can go a long way towards healing. And being involved in more than one relationship means dealing with more of these issues than are typically present in just one monogamous relationship. But of course with LDRs that face to face time and physical contact happens sporadically at best, so essentially the equation boils down to facing more issues and having fewer opportunities with which to solve them.

Please, tell me I’m not the only person who thinks this is screwed up.

But then at the same time, did I not essentially ask for this? Was I not fully aware of these potential problems when I entered into a long distance, secondary relationship? I certainly wasn’t clueless.

Of course, having even a theoretical clue doesn’t ease the frustration, or the hurt, or the days and nights I feel like an absolute shell of a person due to these things.

Funnily enough these issues have been largely worked out. We’ve talked. We’ve settled on some things that should go a long way towards helping both of us cope with the aforementioned frustration. The difficulty of long distance polyamory is still there, and I sure as hell could still use a hug, but the continual fighting towards what were essentially unrealistic hopes and expectations I feel has been quelled.

I believe this is why I can think clearly about the topic for once and even write coherently about it without breaking down into a seeping, quivering pool of messy emotions. Which is good. Those stains are terribly hard to get out of the carpet.

The New Man in Town

So if you’ve made it over to my little shadowed, cobwebbed corner of the Internet, likely you found it through the blog of another. Specifically, the blog of my new boyfriend, Kyle.

Yeah, I had to stop and read that again myself. Wow.

I mean… this is something I never expected would happen. I’m generally not one for online relationships, although to be fair the real meat of our relationship (versus our flirting) happened after we met in person, in Portland. Remember that series of posts? Oh yeah. That was the turning point.

So, most of you know Kyle on Twitter as the swaggering, wickedly grinning ladies’ man, complete with harem. And yeah, I gotta say that cocky confidence is what drew me in at first. But then I got to know the guy and he is so, so much more than that. And we have more in common than I have ever had with any other person, from life philosophy to favorite flower and drink of choice. And despite the attitude, when the situation calls for it Kyle is amazingly supportive and understanding—really a guy to have in your corner.

Of course, things aren’t always peaches and cream. We’re both polyamorous and both of us have other relationships, which always throws a few wrenches into the gears especially at first, before things get settled into an agreeable dynamic for all involved. But he’s worth the struggle; the love I have in me for him is worth all of it.

I don’t know what I did in this life or in past lives to deserve all this love, but between the love I have received from Emmett these past two-plus years and the newfound love of this tenacious-yet-tender cowboy… well, it promises to never be a dull ride. And roller coaster freak that I am, I am more than ready to get started.

To Be or Not To Be: That is the Poly Question.

As if I didn’t have enough to think about what with my own tomboy femme genderqueer identity, my sexuality, M’s transitioning and all that entails, and of course all the various mundanities of life… naturally I had to go and add polyamory to the mix.

At first I (stupidly) thought that it was simple: my primary partner is and always would be M, and that as we so chose we would bring other partners into our bed and possibly into our relationship if we felt that connection with them.

Of course it’s not that simple. Nothing is EVER that simple. Our attempt at a polyamorous relationship with J was a complete and utter disaster. J’s own shortcomings aside, the dynamic was one that we could just never fully get comfortable with. M especially was exceedingly unhappy during that time. He felt threatened by J, and not a little jealous because, well… J was born male-bodied. He had things and could do things that M could not – or, not as “naturally,” if such a term applies. But aside from all that, from discussions we’d had, M felt like he was constantly fighting to retain my attention while in the meantime I’m sailing through the NRE I experienced with J before things went sour. What had started out with the potential to be a true triad relationship had progressed into more of a V-type relationship as M became more and more disenchanted with J.

And like I said, things went sour with him. Not only BECAUSE of him, but because that type of relationship just was not working. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that me having a second partner-type relationship, or even bringing another partner into M’s and my existing relationship isn’t really the poly dynamic that works for us. At least, not right now. Not while so many other things are constantly changing and constantly fluid – particularly in regards to M’s transition. In our relationship things may be fairly stable, but in our LIVES there is NOTHING stable at the moment, and it’s just too much stress to try to add one more factor, one more stressor, one more thing to tilt the scales even more crazily.

Out of all this heavy contemplation, though, does come the positive: it has been well-accepted that playing with others, including sexual play, is totally fine as long as all parties involved are informed, consenting and willing to share even if it means just letting the other partner watch. THIS particular practice has been weighed, measured and not found wanting at ALL. It’s what works for us. For now. But as in anything in life, it’s always subject to change. Everything is.

But then of course I wonder: does our willingness to play with others without having an intimate (non-platonic) relationship with them make us poly? Is is it something else altogether?

Oy… never a dull moment!

A Poly Update

So… enlightening developments to the world of M’s and my polyamory. Enlightening, bittersweet and yet in the end, positive. Progress, growth. These are good things. Of course, in order to make progress, often things have to be left behind, and sadly it seems like this is happening with J.

The dynamic of me being in a relationship with both M and J (although M was most definitely my primary and more involved partner) is just not working out. M was becoming overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity and territorial-ness, which weren’t aided at all by general frustration because, well… J is lacking when it comes to relationship savvy, and he was displaying no interest in really accruing that knowledge. To this day he hasn’t really shown any interest or put forth any effort into… well, fulfilling his side of the relationship. Things were completely one-sided. It was frustrating to me, which was only heaping on top of the unhappiness I felt because M was unhappy. Yeah, you can see how it was one big messy vicious cycle.

For the past, I want to say hovering around two weeks I have drawn back from J in a big way. And to be honest part of me does miss him. There was a profound physical attraction there and a huge potential for friendship – when he wasn’t being completely frustrating. And really I don’t think that friendship potential is lost, but it certainly has overshadowed the whole relationship potential.

I was a little upset at first that things seemed to be going in this direction, but eventually it sank in that this is really for the best. And like I told M, I’m not burning any bridges here. For one, J is the son of one of my close friends and I’m not going to make things weird with the whole family. And two, who knows. He might grow up eventually.

Still, though, the whole relationship-with-M-and-someone-else dynamic is one that it doesn’t appear will quite work for M and I. At least, not to the extent that I originally wanted it to work with J, M and I. But, interestingly enough, just as this thing with J has begun to fade out, a new door has opened and it presents a wholly new dynamic that is positively radiant with potential.

Last weekend we attended a BBQ with likeminded friends and got the chance to hang out with a couple we had become briefly acquainted with in the past but hadn’t really gotten to know very well. Things were very relaxed and K (the girl/sub) got to fooling around with a crop, eventually smacking me across the ass with it as E (her boyfriend/Dom) and M looked on, enjoying. Turns out all parties enjoyed it very much! Plans are being made to make it a repeat, and more involved/prolonged performance. I must say, I’m truly excited.

The thing is, I kind of have a mini-crush on K, and M is very appreciative of her too. But that’s the great thing – M is totally comfortable with this, both my crush and our potential, tentative involvement with this other couple. He says it’s for two reasons: (1) K is a girl and not another guy, so he does not feel as “left out” as when I was interested in another guy. (2) K and E have each other and are so, so obviously smitten with each other, so M doesn’t feel like someone else is encroaching on his girl.

It’s funny, for someone so willing to engage in polyamory, he is still fairly territorial and is only willing to share me to an extent. But with this possible new arrangement – even if it’s just a friends-who-play kind of deal – I think things will work out. Yes, I believe they will work out quite nicely!

A Dinner of Many

Here’s an intriguing thought: I went out with seven (well, seven and a half, but this story focuses on the adults attending) other people last night. So eight of us total. Me of course, M, J, my mother and her man, my Fairy KinkMother Q, her husband C and their girlfriend D. (The “half” was Q and C’s little girl fondly known as Boo.)

The kicker? Every last adult at that table was in a poly relationship of some sort. There’s M, J and I; there’s Q, C and D, and then my mom and her man – he actually has a primary who just prefers to stay home instead of going out.

I relayed this observation to the table in general and yeah, they all got a kick out of it too. It’s really just funny how things end up like that. For Q, C and D it just kind of happened, and same for my mom who just happened to fall for a man who has a primary. (Although, for the record, my mom has been involved in poly relationships in the past.) For M, J and I, I guess you could say it was a little more deliberate, as M and I pursued J with intentions of bringing him into our relationship on a sexual level, but the progression of that involvement into something more intimate was certainly not deliberate.

Not surprisingly, it was a good dinner. Funny how that works, when we all understand and relate to each other.

The sushi was awesome too.

Open

So... polyamory. I guess you could say that my more or less monogamous lifestyle has taken a gigantic leap into the polyamorous in the last couple of weeks. Huge changes in so little amount of time. I'm amazed my brain has even begun to process it at all. It's been intense, enjoyable, amazing, and absolutely unforgettable.

(By the way, Q, I know you follow me... just a word of warning, things might get a little stronger than PG in the following paragraphs! Trauma alert! :D)

Let me give a little backstory. I have a friend (the aforementioned Q) who is about my mother's age. I call her my Fairy KinkMother because she's kind of like a second mother to me. Well, she has a son J who is my and M's age. Luckily while we joke about practically being family it isn't serious enough to make this thing with J seem wrong. ;)

Anyway. M and I have been pursuing J for a while. Months I believe. Or at least we've been interested for months. For some time it seemed like our efforts were fruitless. He's a very self-controlled person and a lot of the times we would not get any kind of response from him, so more than once we just decided to screw it and give up trying.

Well... it finally paid off. And interestingly enough, not only did it pay off but it became more. See, in the beginning M and I were really just interested in him for the sex. Or at least that's what we said. I suspect now that we were both interested in him for more than sex but that neither of us said anything because we weren't entirely sure as to the status of our relationship. We had always said that it would be fun to bring in others for play but that the actual relationship would remain between just the two of us. Well, THAT certainly has changed.

After the first time we hooked up with J we both felt more. Somehow it came up naturally in a conversation between M and I and we both laughingly realized that, okay, we both felt a deeper connection with J than just "friend with benefits." We were both really hooked on him. It was amazing how much he opened up. Mr. Nerves of Steel, Never Show Any Emotion Ever, Too Unsure to Open Up Not to Mention a Total Control Freak (wow, would hate to sign that name on a credit card receipt) opened up BIG TIME. The sheer intensity of his openness was literally breathtaking. Actually, more to the point, how well he conveyed that intensity though just his eyes was breathtaking. He is definitely the type of person who only only uses few words, but needs few words.

But yeah. Wow. Pretty much beyond that first day it progressed into something more than friendship, even extended friendship. I feel pretty confident in calling him our partner, our third partner. It's difficult to describe just how it affects me. I almost feel euphoric. I mean, this solves so many of my problems. I've always felt kind of trapped by monogamy, but my pride wouldn't let me be a serial cheater. Plus, M means more to me than any other person ever has, and my conscience just would not let me be unfaithful to her. This just feels so incredibly right and natural. Yes, there have been issues to work out, namely those of balancing attention and actions, and making sure no one feels left out. But otherwise it was like breathing to incorporate him into our relationship.

I can't express how happy it makes me to have found a person like M who is not only open to these things but feels the way I do about them. I couldn't have gotten luckier with her. She is openminded, and willing to try new things, and she loves so deeply and openly but isn't jealous with her love or those she loves.

And J... well, I'm sure there will be more about him in the future. As the third person in this relationship, he is really quite the complement to M and I. He is kinky, toppy, quiet but open (hmm, I seem to like that word for this entry), dirty minded, dry and sarcastic.

It's really just amazing how well polyamory has worked so far. I never thought I would be one to pull it off. But not only it is being pulled off (much like my clothes!) but it's being pulled off with remarkable ease. And like I said, it just feels so damn natural and right.

Oh, and he's got me addicted to Heroes now. I really am gone. ;)