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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Captain Obvious says, "Poly Is Hard!"

So… I’m not even sure where to start. The main thought knocking through my head right now is: poly is HARD. (Cue some of you nodding your heads in sympathetic agreement. And maybe some of you rolling your eyes and smacking me upside the back of the head whilst shouting, “Duh!”) But here’s the kicker. As difficult as any type of polyamory is to maintain, throwing long distance into the mix is like throwing a wrench into gears that are already a little rusty.

There are so many issues that couples can have that a little face to face time and even just physical contact can go a long way towards healing. And being involved in more than one relationship means dealing with more of these issues than are typically present in just one monogamous relationship. But of course with LDRs that face to face time and physical contact happens sporadically at best, so essentially the equation boils down to facing more issues and having fewer opportunities with which to solve them.

Please, tell me I’m not the only person who thinks this is screwed up.

But then at the same time, did I not essentially ask for this? Was I not fully aware of these potential problems when I entered into a long distance, secondary relationship? I certainly wasn’t clueless.

Of course, having even a theoretical clue doesn’t ease the frustration, or the hurt, or the days and nights I feel like an absolute shell of a person due to these things.

Funnily enough these issues have been largely worked out. We’ve talked. We’ve settled on some things that should go a long way towards helping both of us cope with the aforementioned frustration. The difficulty of long distance polyamory is still there, and I sure as hell could still use a hug, but the continual fighting towards what were essentially unrealistic hopes and expectations I feel has been quelled.

I believe this is why I can think clearly about the topic for once and even write coherently about it without breaking down into a seeping, quivering pool of messy emotions. Which is good. Those stains are terribly hard to get out of the carpet.

6 comments:

Ang said...

Yeah, emotions are probably the hardest to get out of the carpet. Nice post, thanks for it.

Kyle said...

Hi, baby. Yeah, it's hard, challenging, pushes us to our edges and back again. Thank you for loving me and making time for me. And thank you very much for working so hard on this relationhship, I really appreciate it, honey. Love you :-)

M said...

I'll always be here to give you a hug whenever you need it, dear.

Onyx said...

*Nods vigorously* well DUH!

Seriously though I can really relate to what you're saying. The challenges are some times downright brutal, both for poly and for LDRs in general. Luckily though you kot only have amazing partners, but exhibit a great deal of personal strength and overall awesomeness yourself. Hang in there and keep cherishing all the good moments for those times when things get rough and you'll make it trough :)

FemmeFairyGodmother said...

I can't speak from any experience at all with polyamory since I know that, for me, that just won't work. However, I have experience with LDRs and you def have to do a lot of work to make them, well, work. Which then can leave you feeling like all you do is work. Good luck, figuring it all out, A. And I'm always happy to pass along a phone number if you need a femme friend to talk to. xoxo

saintchick said...

Hey love.. I cannot imagine having to deal with one of these things, but having to deal with both is overwhelming to me. I am glad that things got resolved for ya'll and nothing was lost :) oxox