A few different things

Because I know this can be a sensitive topic, I want to preface this by saying that I fully understand that transsexuals are not a fetish - any more than I am a fetish for my pansexuality, or a fetish because I am a bio-female who identifies as female.

Now that that's out of the way... well, I've always found androgyny attractive. The first girl I was ever in a relationship with was bookishly, boyishly sexy. The first guy I slept with was rather effiminate - long hair, looked DAMN good in makeup. My first serious girlfriend was VERY butch - probably would have been FtM if not for the fact that she was quite literally penis-phobic. My GF/sub now is very tomboyish - short hair, masculine demeanor, wears men's clothes, so on and so forth. She would probably be mistaken for a man on a regular basis if not for her very large bosom.

Lately though, I find myself being drawn more and more to those who identify as FtM. Maybe because they're not as WHOA OUT THERE as drag queens? There is just something undeniably intriguing and attractive about a woman who isn't quite a woman and isn't quite a man. I think that fluidity is part of what attracts me.

This leads me to the line of thought pertaining to my own sexuality. I've got the girl bits and it never occurred to me to not identify as strictly female, even though I spent a childhood in boy's clothes, being one of the boys and still wear men's clothes on occasion, even though I love, love wearing feminine clothes as well. It occurs to me that if my sexuality is so fluid, why couldn't my gender be as well? From what I understand, that's what genderqueer is all about. Embracing both genders - or neither gender. Or all genders?

Sometimes I feel so conflicted within myself. I love my female body - to an extent. I love to switch my hips when I walk, I love my ass. But my boobs are another story. I'm not proud of my boobs. I would be happy if I were to have a double mastectomy. If I ever got breast cancer, the actual cancer part would scare and upset me - not the idea of possibly losing my breasts. I take no pride in my fertility - I'm certainly never going to take advantage of it!

BUT. I love playing with my long hair, I love playing with makeup, I love bellydancing, which certainly showcases the feminine form and abilities. (Even though men are welcome and adored in bellydance.) I love wearing and using a strap on. I loved it when I had short hair and am starting to get that craving for it agan.

I don't know. In the end I have to go with what comes naturally - I'm not just going to try on different identifications like jackets. That's an insult to those who do embrace those identities and take it seriously. And really, nobody says I can't be and do all of these things and just call myself female. Nobody says that just because I call myself female doesn't mean strict lines are drawn around the pink and no edges can be blurred into the blue. Huh. An interesting line of thought anyway.

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On a completely different note, things go more or less well in terms of translating into a 24/7 couple. I say "more or less" because we do well when it's just us - at home or in public. Whenever there's somebody else around, though, my GF gets very uppity, almost to the point of trying to switch roles with me, which is absolutely NOT acceptable. Even after, she remains uppity for a while, like she's gotten a taste of brattiness and likes it. I do NOT want a bratty sub. Cheeky, sure; smartass, to an extent, but NOT bratty. I've been trying to think of ways to essentially keep her in line around other people without compromising her public image as a dominant personality. (Yes, she's one of those subs who appears very dominant to those not in the scene.) I love that she doesn't let everyone in the world walk all over her; however, she makes the mistake of blurring the lines between me and "everyone in the world" when others are around. Usually it leaves me wanting to tie her down and beat her - and NOT in a pleasant way!

Speaking of which, I really need to invest in a painful cane or dragon tail whip - something that crosses her line between pleasure pain and PAIN pain.

Anyway, I'll keep thinking on that one. Hopefully I'll come up with something before this weekend, because we're going down to CA to visit family. She's okay being subby around my mother, because my mother's in the scene as well, but she gets BAD around her family, because they don't know. Hopefully I'll come up with some ideas to remind her that she is still my submissive even when she is strong-willed and dominant around her family.
For the record, I'm more than willing to hear others' ideas on how I can accomplish this. :)

Submersion

It's been quite the laid back Sunday, so I took some time to browse through my list of favorite kinky blogs - catching up, really. Doing that usually leads me elsewhere, as I tend to open up interesting links in new tabs to browse through when I'm done reading what I originally opened, and eventually I was led from CatalinaLoves' blog to Naughty Secretary's blog back to Catalina's profile on FetLife - with a few detours into Thursday's blog and ScarletLotus' blog - and it really got me thinking how much I envy people who can devote their entire lives to something they love. And not just the kinky people who get paid to be kinky - no, also the people who get to spend their days playing with dogs or crafting bellydance gear or reviewing books and movies and gadgets.

How do those people get so lucky? How do those people escape the drudgery of a job separate from what they love? How do those people make their passions into their work, instead of an extracurricular activity, a hobby, a diversion? I discover these people and I wish, deeply wish I had found the open doors they did.

I've always got my eyes peeled for opportunities. With any luck, and more than a little determination, maybe one day I will become one of the lucky group whose days are devoted to what they love - one of the lucky few who love to do what they have to do.

D/s during sex

I don't know if I'm of a minority or majority line of thought, but I can't help but feel awkward when my girlfriend fucks me, because I feel like I'm the bottom to her Top - not our typical arrangement, as she is very much the submissive and she very much brings out my Dominant side. If that is the case however, then she would be classified more as a service Top, but still, I derive much more enjoyment from fucking her than from her fucking me.

Of course, I can't get by on masturbation alone (that is, until I find a person who brings out my submissive side - the side that wants to be totally out of control and fucked senseless) and I do enjoy thoroughly interactive sex, so this morning I sat back and enjoyed some much needed attention.

It still felt awkward, though. My reactions at the mercy of the woman who I'm used to putting at _my_ mercy. I guess I'm just not one of those switches who can switch with the same person. She still gave me orgasms, and they felt wonderful, but... I guess you could say it wasn't the same as totally letting go.

In any case, I felt much better when, afterward, I pushed her back on the bed and flogged her backside until it was red and welted. Perhaps that is how I can handle being at her mercy - it was certainly an enjoyable way to end awkward yet satisfying sex.

On an unrelated note, I would love to find a flogger that either has a dildo for a handle or has a dildo attached to the handle. Every time I flog her I have this intense urge to fuck her with the handle, but it's too big for her, not to mention a very unwieldy shape. I shall have to keep my eyes open for something of this fashion.

A new toy!

My GF and I came home from getting her hair cut this afternoon and a much-expected package was waiting for us at the door! I got right inside and tore it open; inside was my beautiful black suede 72-tail flogger, exactly as described.

I started playing with it over my GF's clothes, which she was liking, so I had her strip down and lay face down on the bed, and started taking test whacks. I started out light then went a little harder, alternating between her ass cheeks and back. The thuddiness was gorgeous. It's a nice heavy flogger but without a lot of the severe ouch factor. I had my GF report back to me how different strikes felt, how the thuddiness felt, what the ouch factor was. Everything was well within the realm of enjoyment for her, and DEFINITELY for me. In fact, I could easily have gone harder and longer and still been fine. This is an EXCELLENT flogger for novices! I adore it.

Next up: a better vibrator PLEASE!

How far?

I think I need to sit my girlfriend down and have a talk about exactly how much we're getting into this lifestyle. It's certainly there in the bedroom, and outside the bedroom to a certain extent, but I still find her frustratingly bratty at times. I think it boils down to her desires and mine not being clear, not being on the same page. (Well, that and she is just naturally hard-headed, but I really don't feel she's a natural bratty sub or SAM.)

Ideally, I want to be in this lifestyle 24/7. I have no desire for a slave or a service sub but I want very much to be her Dominant full-time. I don't want to be talked back to - the occasional joking smart-mouthing is fine, but constantly argued with is grating. I don't want to be struck - I enjoy inflicting pain, not receiving it. I certainly don't want to be subjected to her snits when things don't go her way - although thankfully, she is getting MUCH better about not wallowing in those.

I want a fine balance between a good, amenable sub and the smart, sassy girl I fell in love with. I love that she's not a doormat and doesn't let just anybody roll over her. But I want - and to an extent I expect, which is where I think I'm going wrong - her to, well, submit to me! I want it completely.

But, this post is full of "I wants." I need to discuss this with her and figure out what she wants, and see if we can't mesh together a situation that works for both of us.

A minor discovery

...About myself, that is.

Ever since I realized my attraction to females as well as males, I just settled myself nicely into the "bisexual" category. Of course, that plays back into my hatred of labels, but what the hell are you supposed to tell people who ask - "I refuse to label myself because the categorical nature of humans is ridiculous!" It's easier not only mentally but syllabically just to say "straight" or "bi" or "gay" or whatever!

Anyway... I kept seeing this term "pansexual" around, not only here but on other sites, etc. I understood it to mean that the person is just attracted to... people! Gender, genitals didn't matter. Attraction did. And the funny thing is, that's how I've always felt. I don't care what genitals a person has, or what gender a person identifies as, if they're attractive, they're attractive!

Well, it finally hit me: I am pansexual. Not "bisexual with a disregard for gender." Pan-freaking-sexual. And there again, saying "pansexual" is far fewer syllables than saying "bisexual" and then having to explain my carelessness about the genitals a person was born with!

Of course, how many "vanilla" people are even going to understand if/when I said "I'm pansexual?" That's another entry unto itself, I think!

Another step on the journey

I am very pleased to note that the D/s aspect of my and my life partner's relationship is becoming more pronounced. I had been getting frustrated because my girl seemed to be acting a bit of a brat, and it pissed me off more than it turned me on. I thought that once our lifestyle and roles were identified, things would fall into place. But after some thought I realized that particularly in her case, she didn't know what to do. It was up to me to instruct her, which seems only right as I am the Dominant one in this relationship.

So I started changing a few things. For starters, when decisions needed to be made, I stopped saying, "I don't care, whatever you think, why don't you make a decision for once?" I started making the decisions. And they were accepted, because subconsciously (or maybe not so subconsciously) my girl was looking for guidance.

Secondly, I started openly vocalizing things that should and should not be done/said/etc in the relationship. For example, once she tried to command me to do something - basically being a brat - and I gave her an "Are you kidding me?" look and flat-out told her that she was not the one in the position to be giving orders. She actually ducked her head and apologized!

I suppose that if any old-hand Dom/mes are reading this they're probably chuckling and thinking that this sort of thing is old news to them, but with my being a neophyte to the lifestyle, with letting my Dominant side become truly active without anyone fighting against it, this is all so new and glorious to me!

I am well and truly enjoying it, as I am well and truly enjoying my girl settling into her position under me.

Now if only I could find a nice man under whom I can settle for a time...

The deeper meaning of cravings

I've known about my Switch nature for quite some time, but for a while I thought my Domme side was stronger than my sub side. Now, I'm not so sure of this. I am coming to believe that this may just be a matter of circumstance.

I've been in relationships with women for the past three years or so, and have not had sex with a male during this time. My last relationship with a woman was very chaotic, and I was too busy trying to make it work to worry about penis. Well, my current (and lifelong) relationship is more or less wonderful - I say more or less because every relationship has its ups and downs - so I occasionally find my mind wandering. It generally wanders right into Cockville.

At least twice in this relationship - which, granted, has only lasted 1.5 years so far - I have been absolutely swamped by extremely strong cravings for a penis. Not necessarily a relationship with a male, but I absolutely craved, OBSESSED about having sex with a man. I just attributed it to the fact that I'm getting regular girl sex but no guy sex whatsoever, and to just about anyone with any inclination towards penis, every now and then there's nothing that can substitute for real, flesh and blood penis. Not even the best dildo/vibrator.

Now that I'm learning more about the lifestyle, I'm beginning to realize that my "cock craving" goes deeper than that. It stems from a desire to be Topped. I love Topping women - women bring out the Domme in me - but with men, I want to be Topped. I don't just want to have sex with a man, I want to be fucked by a man, to be bent over and thoroughly, deliciously used. And then I want to watch (or even participate) while he fucks my partner, who is mostly submissive.
All this no strings attached, of course. I'm not looking to be collared, or to have an open relationship. I just want a strong, Dominant man to play with, to let loose my submissive side. (And get my girl some experience with men.) I lovelovelove being a Domme, but every now and then She needs to step down and let my sub side have some fun.