Captain Obvious says, "Poly Is Hard!"

So… I’m not even sure where to start. The main thought knocking through my head right now is: poly is HARD. (Cue some of you nodding your heads in sympathetic agreement. And maybe some of you rolling your eyes and smacking me upside the back of the head whilst shouting, “Duh!”) But here’s the kicker. As difficult as any type of polyamory is to maintain, throwing long distance into the mix is like throwing a wrench into gears that are already a little rusty.

There are so many issues that couples can have that a little face to face time and even just physical contact can go a long way towards healing. And being involved in more than one relationship means dealing with more of these issues than are typically present in just one monogamous relationship. But of course with LDRs that face to face time and physical contact happens sporadically at best, so essentially the equation boils down to facing more issues and having fewer opportunities with which to solve them.

Please, tell me I’m not the only person who thinks this is screwed up.

But then at the same time, did I not essentially ask for this? Was I not fully aware of these potential problems when I entered into a long distance, secondary relationship? I certainly wasn’t clueless.

Of course, having even a theoretical clue doesn’t ease the frustration, or the hurt, or the days and nights I feel like an absolute shell of a person due to these things.

Funnily enough these issues have been largely worked out. We’ve talked. We’ve settled on some things that should go a long way towards helping both of us cope with the aforementioned frustration. The difficulty of long distance polyamory is still there, and I sure as hell could still use a hug, but the continual fighting towards what were essentially unrealistic hopes and expectations I feel has been quelled.

I believe this is why I can think clearly about the topic for once and even write coherently about it without breaking down into a seeping, quivering pool of messy emotions. Which is good. Those stains are terribly hard to get out of the carpet.

The New Man in Town

So if you’ve made it over to my little shadowed, cobwebbed corner of the Internet, likely you found it through the blog of another. Specifically, the blog of my new boyfriend, Kyle.

Yeah, I had to stop and read that again myself. Wow.

I mean… this is something I never expected would happen. I’m generally not one for online relationships, although to be fair the real meat of our relationship (versus our flirting) happened after we met in person, in Portland. Remember that series of posts? Oh yeah. That was the turning point.

So, most of you know Kyle on Twitter as the swaggering, wickedly grinning ladies’ man, complete with harem. And yeah, I gotta say that cocky confidence is what drew me in at first. But then I got to know the guy and he is so, so much more than that. And we have more in common than I have ever had with any other person, from life philosophy to favorite flower and drink of choice. And despite the attitude, when the situation calls for it Kyle is amazingly supportive and understanding—really a guy to have in your corner.

Of course, things aren’t always peaches and cream. We’re both polyamorous and both of us have other relationships, which always throws a few wrenches into the gears especially at first, before things get settled into an agreeable dynamic for all involved. But he’s worth the struggle; the love I have in me for him is worth all of it.

I don’t know what I did in this life or in past lives to deserve all this love, but between the love I have received from Emmett these past two-plus years and the newfound love of this tenacious-yet-tender cowboy… well, it promises to never be a dull ride. And roller coaster freak that I am, I am more than ready to get started.

Novelty

There’s something else that’s new in my life: sex.

Ha! No, not that the sex itself is new in my life, silly… but it almost feels that way because my sex life has evolved to a point where I hardly even recognize the awkward prototype it was before. I feel like I’m really (pardon the pun here) coming into myself and awakening to a point where I can really embrace being a sexual being. It’s… intense, and exhilarating.

See, here’s the thing, and here’s where I’m going to be painfully, brutally honest about myself. Up to this point, my sexuality has been almost entirely in my head. It wasn’t often that my sexuality, my horniness, transferred to an actual physical desire for sex. It was disheartening, to say the least. I think there are several factors that were involved in this, but foremost among them was that I was complacent in this rut and unwilling to expend the effort getting out of it.

But y’know, when your life is turned topsy-turvy by new developments and new involvements, it’s impossible to stay in a rut of any sort. And so, I was freed from this one. (Of course, it also helps a LOT when multiple people are teasing you so mercilessly that your mental horniness can’t help but boil over into a fierce physical longing.)

And like I said, it’s exhilarating. Liberating. I feel almost freed from the confines of my own body, although it’s probably more like being freed from the strictures of my mind. I am outside myself, and it’s amazing.

Call me a sentimental dork, but I feel like I’m breaking into the dawn of a new era in my life, somewhere overwhelmingly enlightening and progressive. I’m eager to see it through.

A Poly Update

So… enlightening developments to the world of M’s and my polyamory. Enlightening, bittersweet and yet in the end, positive. Progress, growth. These are good things. Of course, in order to make progress, often things have to be left behind, and sadly it seems like this is happening with J.

The dynamic of me being in a relationship with both M and J (although M was most definitely my primary and more involved partner) is just not working out. M was becoming overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity and territorial-ness, which weren’t aided at all by general frustration because, well… J is lacking when it comes to relationship savvy, and he was displaying no interest in really accruing that knowledge. To this day he hasn’t really shown any interest or put forth any effort into… well, fulfilling his side of the relationship. Things were completely one-sided. It was frustrating to me, which was only heaping on top of the unhappiness I felt because M was unhappy. Yeah, you can see how it was one big messy vicious cycle.

For the past, I want to say hovering around two weeks I have drawn back from J in a big way. And to be honest part of me does miss him. There was a profound physical attraction there and a huge potential for friendship – when he wasn’t being completely frustrating. And really I don’t think that friendship potential is lost, but it certainly has overshadowed the whole relationship potential.

I was a little upset at first that things seemed to be going in this direction, but eventually it sank in that this is really for the best. And like I told M, I’m not burning any bridges here. For one, J is the son of one of my close friends and I’m not going to make things weird with the whole family. And two, who knows. He might grow up eventually.

Still, though, the whole relationship-with-M-and-someone-else dynamic is one that it doesn’t appear will quite work for M and I. At least, not to the extent that I originally wanted it to work with J, M and I. But, interestingly enough, just as this thing with J has begun to fade out, a new door has opened and it presents a wholly new dynamic that is positively radiant with potential.

Last weekend we attended a BBQ with likeminded friends and got the chance to hang out with a couple we had become briefly acquainted with in the past but hadn’t really gotten to know very well. Things were very relaxed and K (the girl/sub) got to fooling around with a crop, eventually smacking me across the ass with it as E (her boyfriend/Dom) and M looked on, enjoying. Turns out all parties enjoyed it very much! Plans are being made to make it a repeat, and more involved/prolonged performance. I must say, I’m truly excited.

The thing is, I kind of have a mini-crush on K, and M is very appreciative of her too. But that’s the great thing – M is totally comfortable with this, both my crush and our potential, tentative involvement with this other couple. He says it’s for two reasons: (1) K is a girl and not another guy, so he does not feel as “left out” as when I was interested in another guy. (2) K and E have each other and are so, so obviously smitten with each other, so M doesn’t feel like someone else is encroaching on his girl.

It’s funny, for someone so willing to engage in polyamory, he is still fairly territorial and is only willing to share me to an extent. But with this possible new arrangement – even if it’s just a friends-who-play kind of deal – I think things will work out. Yes, I believe they will work out quite nicely!

When It All Builds Up, Then Spills Over

I have a confession to make.

I am a sex blogger who doesn’t like to be fucked all that often.

Yes, yes, I know. Blink a few times, shake your head to clear it, let’s move on now shall we?

The thing is… one of the things that gets my rocks off the most is anticipation. Letting the desire and frustration build to a nigh unbearable point and then jumping recklessly off the cliff into the wonderfully turbulent sea below. I love to let days or even weeks of hot dreams, dirty texts, teasing and allllmost-but-not-quite-getting-there build up to the boiling point before satisfaction is finally achieved.

What’s really great about all this is that M and I seem to be settling into… well not so much a routine, really, but a style that works for us. See, M has come to the conclusion that penetration really does not work for him – which, uh, makes sense given the circumstances. And that works for me because I love to give him clit orgasms. I get more of a reaction out of him by playing with his clit – the sounds he makes, the looks he gets on his face… all better when I jack him off than when I fuck him.

Also wonderful is that when I’m not in a receiving mood, I can push him back and get him off – which, oh hey by the way, is one of those things that builds me up to my boiling point! In addition, when he is satisfied (which it seems he needs more often than I do), he is less likely to want to pin me down and fuck me, which… oh hey by the way, gives me more time to build up to my boiling point! So basically, we’re both really finding what works for us in terms of giving the other what he/she wants. And, well… the other night, this whole grand theory was proven in a big way.

I’d reached my boiling point.

It had been building probably for a good two weeks at least. My dreams weren’t helping, nor was each and every time I got M off – I mean really, you can’t imagine how hot that is. Nor was the evening I spent with J. Nor was the evening M and I spent at our friend’s birthday party – the night I got tied up. It all built. And built. And built.

Finally, the morning after the party, it boiled over, and I got some of the best sex ever. It was long lasting, it was rough, it was multi-orgasmic, and I was as limp as an overcooked noodle afterward, except for the muscles of my face stretching into one very satisfied smile. Hell, even M was out of breath.

There is one very interesting phenomena that occurs when I am well and truly horny – like boiling point horny. Usually my nipples are very sensitive. Well, it would be better to say they are usually extremely sensitive, to the point where they are generally untouchable. But when I get that horny, they desensitize and a person could do just about whatever they wanted to do with them. They go from untouchable to practically begging to be pinched, bitten, pulled, twisted… you name it.

Yes, I was that horny.

But I think M took care of that, and took care of it very well.

:-D

The Players

There comes a point in every blog when the writer herself becomes overwhelmed with the amount of initials used and feels she must explain further.

This is that point. So, let's get started, shall we?

M: my primary and life partner. Six months younger than I. We met in college when he was my then-girlfriend's best friend. Since starting this blog he has embarked on the journey of transitioning from female to male, which is very exciting. You'll see me refer to him less and less as "M" and more so as "Em" or "Emmett" now, because for me "M" is just reminiscent of his pre-trans life. I do write updates on his transitioning here, but for the news straight from the horse's mouth, see his blog.

Kyle: my boyfriend, or the "secondary" if you will. Our relationship is still quite new but I am very optimistic that there is much potential in it for greatness, and I am very much looking forward to seeing where and how it goes. Most will recognize him as ButchtasticKyle of Twitter and his own blog.

Q: my Fairy KinkMother. A good friend whom I met in the local scene - she kind of took Em and I under her wing. She is kind of a universal, fluid type of person: I couldn't stick any one label on her. Queer, kinky, switchy... all fit, but only to an extent, because I swear the woman transcends labels.

As a side note, you will also probably see me mention C and D in relation to Q. C is her husband and D is her girlfriend/submissive whom I have recently dubbed my Fairy KinkAuntie. Yes, apparently poly relationships abound in this extended family of mine.

I also mention my mother a lot, but that's self explanatory and I really don't use an initial for her. What you should know about my mother is that she is divorced from my father and is also kinky and poly. Fun factoid: she is the one who introduced me to FetLife. I know I drove her crazy growing up - I had quite the attitude and the mouth to match - but now that I am out of adolescence and also not living with her, we get along very well.

So I guess that's it for now! I'm sure this list will remain ever changing and expanding...

Open

So... polyamory. I guess you could say that my more or less monogamous lifestyle has taken a gigantic leap into the polyamorous in the last couple of weeks. Huge changes in so little amount of time. I'm amazed my brain has even begun to process it at all. It's been intense, enjoyable, amazing, and absolutely unforgettable.

(By the way, Q, I know you follow me... just a word of warning, things might get a little stronger than PG in the following paragraphs! Trauma alert! :D)

Let me give a little backstory. I have a friend (the aforementioned Q) who is about my mother's age. I call her my Fairy KinkMother because she's kind of like a second mother to me. Well, she has a son J who is my and M's age. Luckily while we joke about practically being family it isn't serious enough to make this thing with J seem wrong. ;)

Anyway. M and I have been pursuing J for a while. Months I believe. Or at least we've been interested for months. For some time it seemed like our efforts were fruitless. He's a very self-controlled person and a lot of the times we would not get any kind of response from him, so more than once we just decided to screw it and give up trying.

Well... it finally paid off. And interestingly enough, not only did it pay off but it became more. See, in the beginning M and I were really just interested in him for the sex. Or at least that's what we said. I suspect now that we were both interested in him for more than sex but that neither of us said anything because we weren't entirely sure as to the status of our relationship. We had always said that it would be fun to bring in others for play but that the actual relationship would remain between just the two of us. Well, THAT certainly has changed.

After the first time we hooked up with J we both felt more. Somehow it came up naturally in a conversation between M and I and we both laughingly realized that, okay, we both felt a deeper connection with J than just "friend with benefits." We were both really hooked on him. It was amazing how much he opened up. Mr. Nerves of Steel, Never Show Any Emotion Ever, Too Unsure to Open Up Not to Mention a Total Control Freak (wow, would hate to sign that name on a credit card receipt) opened up BIG TIME. The sheer intensity of his openness was literally breathtaking. Actually, more to the point, how well he conveyed that intensity though just his eyes was breathtaking. He is definitely the type of person who only only uses few words, but needs few words.

But yeah. Wow. Pretty much beyond that first day it progressed into something more than friendship, even extended friendship. I feel pretty confident in calling him our partner, our third partner. It's difficult to describe just how it affects me. I almost feel euphoric. I mean, this solves so many of my problems. I've always felt kind of trapped by monogamy, but my pride wouldn't let me be a serial cheater. Plus, M means more to me than any other person ever has, and my conscience just would not let me be unfaithful to her. This just feels so incredibly right and natural. Yes, there have been issues to work out, namely those of balancing attention and actions, and making sure no one feels left out. But otherwise it was like breathing to incorporate him into our relationship.

I can't express how happy it makes me to have found a person like M who is not only open to these things but feels the way I do about them. I couldn't have gotten luckier with her. She is openminded, and willing to try new things, and she loves so deeply and openly but isn't jealous with her love or those she loves.

And J... well, I'm sure there will be more about him in the future. As the third person in this relationship, he is really quite the complement to M and I. He is kinky, toppy, quiet but open (hmm, I seem to like that word for this entry), dirty minded, dry and sarcastic.

It's really just amazing how well polyamory has worked so far. I never thought I would be one to pull it off. But not only it is being pulled off (much like my clothes!) but it's being pulled off with remarkable ease. And like I said, it just feels so damn natural and right.

Oh, and he's got me addicted to Heroes now. I really am gone. ;)

Survey Whores Anonymous

Okay, can I help that there's a survey/meme that actually applies to this blog so I can spread my survey-whorage around? :D Onward!

1. Who eats more?
Probably me. M tends to forget to eat unless her stomach's about to eat itself. I'm the muncher.

2. Who said “I love you” first?
I... am actually not sure.

3. Who is the morning person?
Neither of us, although our work schedules have so programmed our bodies that we can pretty much never sleep in anymore.

4. Who sings better?
Me, although neither of us are great singers. I just have a bit more range.

5. Who’s older?
I am, by a whopping six months (almost to the day).

6. Who’s smarter?
Definitely not a question with a "me" or "her" answer. We're both smart in different ways. I think I may come across as smarter because I'm better able to express myself, but M has one hell of a brain in that head. She's just a little more quiet about it.

7. Whose temper is worse?
Hers, for sure. It takes a lot to get her fuse lit but once it is, it's a very short fuse and she tends to be a little explosive. I don't think I mentioned that time she punched a hole in the wall, did I...? Oh well, luckily for both of us one of her many talents is being quite handy around the house, so she patched it up. :D

8. Who does the laundry?
Predominantly me, but she's been known to start or switch out loads.

9. Who does the dishes?
Me. M hates doing dishes. If she's in the right mood I can sometimes convince her to help me dry/put away, but generally it's me.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
That would be me but only, I must say, because the right side of the bed is the side up against the wall. I prefer sleeping up against the wall if the bed is positioned correctly. Although last night we weren't in a bed up against a wall and I still got in on the ride side, out of habit.

11. Whose feet are bigger?
Mine, but barely. We technically can wear the same size in some shoes but I tend to go a size bigger, mostly 'cause of how wide my feet are. We're the same size length-wise but my feet are much wider.

12. Whose hair is longer?
Mine, but barely. We both have very short hair.

13. Who’s better with the computer?
Me, although funnily enough, it was M who got me from Explorer to Firefox.

14. Do you have pets?
Yeah, two dogs, two cats and a rabbit.

15. Who pays the bills?
We both do, although lately I've been taking on more of the household bills so she can pay off credit card bills. I should mention we don't have a joint account... yet.

16. Who cooks dinner?
Usually M. I'm not a huge fan of cooking but she's a master in the kitchen.

17. Who drives when you are together?
Typically me, unless for some reason I don't feel like it, or I've been drinking.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
We usually take turns, or the person who wanted to go to dinner/suggested it will pay.

19. Who’s the most stubborn?
I would say M is, but only by the most marginal fraction. We're both very, very stubborn.

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Haha. For either of us to admit we're wrong just about takes an act of Congress.

21. Whose family do you see more?
In terms of whole family, we see hers more. But in terms of frequency regardless of amount of people, mine. My mother lives closer and visits more often, but she's the only one of my family we see with any sort of regularity.

22. Who named your pet?
Jonna and Shredder came with their names, Cinderella was named by M as a kitten (long before we got together), Piper and Xander were named by me. Well, I should explain a bit more on Xander. I had originally named him Alexander and he was just going to be Alex for short. But one time when he was still a kitten he got a raging case of the kitten zoomies, and we had just recently watched the movie XXX with Vin Diesel, and M jokingly goes, "Welcome to the Xander Zone!" And poof, that was it, he was Xander instead of Alex for short.

23. Who kissed who first?
I kissed her. Even after plying her with alcohol (yes, our first extraplatonic encounter was fueled by liquid courage), she was quite shy, so I took the initiative.

24. Who asked who out?
Not really applicable. After that ETOH-fueled night, we were just... together. One night we were just kinda like, "So, should we make it official?" And that night became our anniversary (November 21st for those who are interested), but there was no real asking-out situation.

26. Who’s more sensitive?
In what respect? ;D Physically I'm much more sensitive (teehee), but in the sense that this question was truly meant to be posed, M is. Emotionally I tend to be a little colder and harder, although it's something that seems to be improving lately what with certain... changes in our relationship. (Post to come about that later!)

27. Who’s taller?
Me, by half an inch if that.

28. Who has more friends?
She has kept in touch with more people from her past, but currently I would say it's about the same, as most if not all of our friends are mutual.

29. Who has more siblings?
Her, by a landslide! I'm an only child! She has, let's see... three (I think three) step-brothers, one half brother and one half sister.


I got a kick out of filling out this survey because in my head, I was filling it out for three people. Although I wouldn't exactly call that official yet. But unofficially... well, it seems we are more polyamorous than we had anticipated. More on that to come. :)

Priorities

Lately I’ve been experiencing the dreaded BSOD (any recognition from the computer nerds? Anyone? Hello?) of relationships: complacency. It’s something I never figured I would experience in a relationship because I always felt like I was such a sexual and sensual person, but… well, there you have it. I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. I’ve gotten complacent. Almost… lazy.

I’d hang my head in shame if it wouldn’t impede my vision of the screen. M and I have such an incredible relationship. She’s the person I had begun to give up on ever finding. She is the bacon to my eggs. So why? Why do I suddenly find it so hard to muster up the energy to do anything sexual anymore? And let’s not even talk about how the BDSM aspect of our relationship is doing. I haven’t pulled out my bondage ties or clamps in ages.

I’ve noticed I have a hard time finding balance in my life. When I started to become pretty active in the kink scene here, I stopped going to bellydance classes. Now that our social life in general has bloomed, my kink is slowly dying. I can’t seem to find that perfect spot on the tightrope to set my feet. I can’t seem to do a little bit of everything; no, I let just a couple different things completely overwhelm my life. Of course, it never helps that my job is one of those permanent things around which I have to balance all my other, more personally important priorities. But, I should be thankful to have a job at all in this economy.

Succinctly put, I know M wants sex more often. I know I feel less… well, human when there’s little to no physical intimacy in my life. It feels like a part of our relationship has died, which in a way it has, because I’ve let other priorities take over my life and exhaust me to the point where I can’t even gather the energy to hardly even think about sex, much less participate. M has also mentioned she misses the Top in me. I have admittedly been feeling more bottomy lately, but I’ve acted on neither of these urges.

So, I think it’s time to reprioritize. I’ve got a lot of good things going on in my life right now but that doesn’t mean that any one of them has to die in order for the others to flourish. I have remarkably good balance for someone who seems to trip over her own feet or run into doorways on a close-to-daily basis; it’s time to utilize that balance in other areas of my life!