Vagina Friday

So last night I got together with a bunch of girls from the local scene for what has been dubbed Vagina Friday. We met up at this AWESOME barbecue place that plays live music on Friday nights and, according to the unofficial coordinator of this get-together (a.k.a. the girl who kicked our asses into finally all showing up in the same place at the same time), is one of only two places in the area that serves a drink called a Zombie. I’d never heard of or drank a Zombie before last night; it was really good.

We stuffed our faces full of REAL barbecue, got a-few-drinksy and finally made our way out onto the dance floor to the sounds of some dudes on the stage playing what sounded like a mix of rock and zydeco. It was… a really unbelievable night.

In the car on the way back home – no, I was not driving – I got to thinking about what made it such a good time. Yeah, the great food and booty shakin’ music helped; they always do! But it was really the company that rounded it out. I began to wonder if I would have had the same great time with friends who were not kinky (not that I really have any of those up here).

Don’t get me wrong, ‘nilla people are not automatically lesser friends or worse company. But would I have had the same great time had the evening not been colored with kinky jokes and discussions about squirting, harnesses and needle play? Would I have had the same great time if I had not been with people who recognized, understood and accepted all aspects of me?

Probably not.

It’s makes me all the more grateful that for all the drama that seems to proliferate in this small-town scene, I do have a group of people with whom I can be completely myself and be accepted for the happy freak I am.

A Friday Night to Remember

So this past Friday night M and I met up with our new friends K and E for some hanging out and playtime. Needless to say, it was a very enjoyable and memorable experience.

When M and I got to their house, funnily enough they were watching Shrek 3. I really enjoy the Shrek movies, so we sat down and watched the rest of it with them. At that point K was practically itching to go play, so once the movie was over we trooped out to the outbuilding in their backyard that they’ve converted into a small playroom.

The original, if vague plan was to have both K and I bottom while M and E would top, but it started out with E and I actively topping and M watching/lending a hand in the tying, and I was really feeling my toppiness so it stayed that way pretty much the whole night.

We started out tying K up in various positions, teasing her with a crop and a vibrating massager. It progressed to us tying her up kneeling over the frame of an end table and bringing her to orgasm with the massager and by fucking her with a vibrating dildo. Needless to say, I was massively turned on by her pleasure noises. Every girl’s noises are different but they are all so fascinating, and a huge, huge turn-on for me.

Like I said, I was really enjoying being toppy. At the end of the night K was tied on her back, wrists above her head and her ankles attached to a spreader bar. E was teasing her clit and I was using the crop on her pretty much everywhere, which was great. I also teased her nipples with my Pocket Rocket and played with some mini-clothespins.

Apart from the whole “gorgeous girl tied up and I have permission to torment her” level of enjoyment, I was really getting a kick out of being toppy. See, as M transitions, he has become much, much less bottomy, which I really don’t mind, but apparently I miss being toppy, because I had a lot of fun topping K that night. Even that small degree of power was… exhilarating. I definitely look forward to a repeat performance.

Although, from what I hear next time will be my turn on the bottom. Heh heh. Should be a good time in any case!

A Poly Update

So… enlightening developments to the world of M’s and my polyamory. Enlightening, bittersweet and yet in the end, positive. Progress, growth. These are good things. Of course, in order to make progress, often things have to be left behind, and sadly it seems like this is happening with J.

The dynamic of me being in a relationship with both M and J (although M was most definitely my primary and more involved partner) is just not working out. M was becoming overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity and territorial-ness, which weren’t aided at all by general frustration because, well… J is lacking when it comes to relationship savvy, and he was displaying no interest in really accruing that knowledge. To this day he hasn’t really shown any interest or put forth any effort into… well, fulfilling his side of the relationship. Things were completely one-sided. It was frustrating to me, which was only heaping on top of the unhappiness I felt because M was unhappy. Yeah, you can see how it was one big messy vicious cycle.

For the past, I want to say hovering around two weeks I have drawn back from J in a big way. And to be honest part of me does miss him. There was a profound physical attraction there and a huge potential for friendship – when he wasn’t being completely frustrating. And really I don’t think that friendship potential is lost, but it certainly has overshadowed the whole relationship potential.

I was a little upset at first that things seemed to be going in this direction, but eventually it sank in that this is really for the best. And like I told M, I’m not burning any bridges here. For one, J is the son of one of my close friends and I’m not going to make things weird with the whole family. And two, who knows. He might grow up eventually.

Still, though, the whole relationship-with-M-and-someone-else dynamic is one that it doesn’t appear will quite work for M and I. At least, not to the extent that I originally wanted it to work with J, M and I. But, interestingly enough, just as this thing with J has begun to fade out, a new door has opened and it presents a wholly new dynamic that is positively radiant with potential.

Last weekend we attended a BBQ with likeminded friends and got the chance to hang out with a couple we had become briefly acquainted with in the past but hadn’t really gotten to know very well. Things were very relaxed and K (the girl/sub) got to fooling around with a crop, eventually smacking me across the ass with it as E (her boyfriend/Dom) and M looked on, enjoying. Turns out all parties enjoyed it very much! Plans are being made to make it a repeat, and more involved/prolonged performance. I must say, I’m truly excited.

The thing is, I kind of have a mini-crush on K, and M is very appreciative of her too. But that’s the great thing – M is totally comfortable with this, both my crush and our potential, tentative involvement with this other couple. He says it’s for two reasons: (1) K is a girl and not another guy, so he does not feel as “left out” as when I was interested in another guy. (2) K and E have each other and are so, so obviously smitten with each other, so M doesn’t feel like someone else is encroaching on his girl.

It’s funny, for someone so willing to engage in polyamory, he is still fairly territorial and is only willing to share me to an extent. But with this possible new arrangement – even if it’s just a friends-who-play kind of deal – I think things will work out. Yes, I believe they will work out quite nicely!

A Femme on a Budget

To quote the wise and everlasting Kermit the Frog… it isn’t easy being femme! You know what’s even tougher than being femme? Being a femme on a budget.

To put it simply, being fabulous costs money. And when you don’t really have money that isn’t going towards bills and taking care of family (even if the family consists only of fur-kids), it’s hard to be fabulous! Let me tell you, I get edgy when I’m craving new tops or shoes and I can’t afford them. Or even when I need new work clothes because mine are all getting worn down from so much use, and I still can’t afford it. To be frank… it sucks!

So really, what is a femme to do when she can’t afford to clothe herself as a queen? Well, Bahamadia says it right: she gets her shopping on in Wal-Mart and dollar stores. (Oh, and I want to add eBay to that list. The world can be bought at a cheap price on eBay, as long as you know how not to get yourself ripped off.) For example, last night I bought two pairs of insanely cute shoes – one basic black fabric Mary Jane style, wearable for work and anywhere else, and a pair of green polka dot slingback flats that couldn’t be more perfect for the upcoming summer – for less than $15 total. The green pair were already on clearance for $7.00, and all clearance items in the store were going for an extra 50% off this weekend, so that amounted to less than four dollars for a pair of shoes that literally made me squee when I saw them. Now THAT is how to make a frugal femme happy.

So yeah, we less financially comfortable femmes have more work to do. We can’t just walk into Tiffany’s or Saks Fifth Avenue and charge all the fabulosity we want on our American Express. But it’s doable if you know where to look and how to shop wisely. For me, discount stores are my friends, sales are my love and clearance is the Holy Grail of my consumer existence.

And in the end, much like a double bacon cheeseburger after weeks of cheap ramen noodles, finding femme perfection on the shelves after long, torturous bouts of window shopping is sweet, sweet satisfaction.

Open

So... polyamory. I guess you could say that my more or less monogamous lifestyle has taken a gigantic leap into the polyamorous in the last couple of weeks. Huge changes in so little amount of time. I'm amazed my brain has even begun to process it at all. It's been intense, enjoyable, amazing, and absolutely unforgettable.

(By the way, Q, I know you follow me... just a word of warning, things might get a little stronger than PG in the following paragraphs! Trauma alert! :D)

Let me give a little backstory. I have a friend (the aforementioned Q) who is about my mother's age. I call her my Fairy KinkMother because she's kind of like a second mother to me. Well, she has a son J who is my and M's age. Luckily while we joke about practically being family it isn't serious enough to make this thing with J seem wrong. ;)

Anyway. M and I have been pursuing J for a while. Months I believe. Or at least we've been interested for months. For some time it seemed like our efforts were fruitless. He's a very self-controlled person and a lot of the times we would not get any kind of response from him, so more than once we just decided to screw it and give up trying.

Well... it finally paid off. And interestingly enough, not only did it pay off but it became more. See, in the beginning M and I were really just interested in him for the sex. Or at least that's what we said. I suspect now that we were both interested in him for more than sex but that neither of us said anything because we weren't entirely sure as to the status of our relationship. We had always said that it would be fun to bring in others for play but that the actual relationship would remain between just the two of us. Well, THAT certainly has changed.

After the first time we hooked up with J we both felt more. Somehow it came up naturally in a conversation between M and I and we both laughingly realized that, okay, we both felt a deeper connection with J than just "friend with benefits." We were both really hooked on him. It was amazing how much he opened up. Mr. Nerves of Steel, Never Show Any Emotion Ever, Too Unsure to Open Up Not to Mention a Total Control Freak (wow, would hate to sign that name on a credit card receipt) opened up BIG TIME. The sheer intensity of his openness was literally breathtaking. Actually, more to the point, how well he conveyed that intensity though just his eyes was breathtaking. He is definitely the type of person who only only uses few words, but needs few words.

But yeah. Wow. Pretty much beyond that first day it progressed into something more than friendship, even extended friendship. I feel pretty confident in calling him our partner, our third partner. It's difficult to describe just how it affects me. I almost feel euphoric. I mean, this solves so many of my problems. I've always felt kind of trapped by monogamy, but my pride wouldn't let me be a serial cheater. Plus, M means more to me than any other person ever has, and my conscience just would not let me be unfaithful to her. This just feels so incredibly right and natural. Yes, there have been issues to work out, namely those of balancing attention and actions, and making sure no one feels left out. But otherwise it was like breathing to incorporate him into our relationship.

I can't express how happy it makes me to have found a person like M who is not only open to these things but feels the way I do about them. I couldn't have gotten luckier with her. She is openminded, and willing to try new things, and she loves so deeply and openly but isn't jealous with her love or those she loves.

And J... well, I'm sure there will be more about him in the future. As the third person in this relationship, he is really quite the complement to M and I. He is kinky, toppy, quiet but open (hmm, I seem to like that word for this entry), dirty minded, dry and sarcastic.

It's really just amazing how well polyamory has worked so far. I never thought I would be one to pull it off. But not only it is being pulled off (much like my clothes!) but it's being pulled off with remarkable ease. And like I said, it just feels so damn natural and right.

Oh, and he's got me addicted to Heroes now. I really am gone. ;)

HNY!

Happy New Year everyone! New year, new resolution to keep this blog up, much unlike how I had been slacking off in 2008. That is NOT the way to create a successful blog, yes?

My kink life has not been horribly active as of late. Munches, yes; hanging out with kinky people in non-kinky situations, yes; working on Queer Eye Candy, yes; doing much to participate in the BDSM world realtime, not so much. Funnily, I am still feeling fulfilled. Maybe because it's not a complete drought - maybe because it's just another aspect of my kink life. I seem to go through certain aspects during any given time period instead of dabbling in all at once. Too much of everything and I feel overwhelmed.

M and I are engaged in a quest to corrupt and win over a certain grown son of one of our older (not old, but old enough to have a son our age) friends. It has been anything but boring, let me just say! I feel reassured every day, though, that M is open to having a, well, somewhat open relationship. Neither of us would go off on our own to have side relationships, but together it's most definitely okay to bring another into our relationship, if not for an addition to the relationship but at least for friendship and, of course, sex. :D

In any case, expect to see more out of this blog. It's good for the mind to get its thoughts out.

Slinking back in

Wow, I've been pretty AWOL, haven't I? Terribly sorry. Feel free to spank me. ;-)

No, in all honesty, not much has been happening that would prompt me to post up until a couple days ago. A couple days ago, M's prize from Shay's S Spot contest, the Hottie from Eden Fantasys arrived.

Oohhhh my! I haven't masturbated with the toy yet so I'm holding off on an official, thorough review, but being fucked with it gets at least four out of five stars. I absolutely adore it.

And yes, being fucked with it. Thaaaat was a very good night. Not only did I get fucked with a toy that is probably one of the best alternatives to real cock (for those who go for real cock), but M got a little toppy. And I. Loved. It.

It's interesting for me to think back on when I said I didn't think M topping me would work since our relationship wasn't very switchy and she didn't think she was very switchy. Both of those statements have proved to be very, very false! M can most definitely be switchy as evidenced by how toppy she got with me the night we played with the Hottie: pinning me down, verbally topping, even a bit of forced orgasm play. I was absolutely digging it, so apparently I can be topped by her!

Also interestingly, this switching up seems to have relieved a bit of tension in our relationship, and I think I understand why. Before, our relationship was pretty strictly Dom/sub. I was the Dominant, she was the submissive, and things got shaken up whenever she didn't act submissive. Sometimes she could be put back into subspace; sometimes she couldn't, and that led to pretty nasty arguments when it happened. But now things seem to click more easily in our relationship. Outside the bedroom we almost have a fairly vanilla seeming relationship, with equal levels of power exchange. Of course, both of us know that's entirely not true. :-D

I certainly don't get pissed off anymore if she acts a little toppy, which had definitely smoothed out our dynamic.

Oh, and I have also discovered something else about myself - in particular, my bottomy side - that doesn't come as a surprise at all: I am one very smart-ass bottom. I don't say smart-ass masochist (SAM) because I'm not a very hardcore masochist; I don't say smart-ass sub because to me that implies some level of permanence in the position. But I am most definitely a smartass bottom. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys challenge and enjoys cooking up creative ways to shut up a bottom who won't stop making snarky, sarcastic remarks and taunting the Top. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys struggle - a bit of a fight.

Luckily for me in my relationship with M, she is that kind of Top. It sure keeps things fun in the bedroom - even outside the bedroom to a certain extent, since we're both pretty snarky and smartass.

This lightening of the mood overall is really quite enjoyable. The episodes of serious power struggle are pretty much over. We joke about it more often now, and play around with power struggle/exchange.

Anyhoo, stay tuned because if I don't get too busy, a very nice HNT should be coming up this week, and probably following next weekend a full review of the Hottie should be out!

Sex vs. Gender

(Crossposted from my post on the Femmes Guide.)

Sex vs. Gender

An interesting concept, the thought of sex versus gender as though they were two opposing fighters in the boxing ring. Think about it – how often on, say, applications or other miscellaneous forms do you see “Gender: M___ F___” or “Sex: M___ F___?” (The fact that there are only two genders on these forms is a whole other, and often addressed concept.) The vast majority of the world sees these two terms as completely interchangeable, although some might argue that “gender” is slightly more appropriate, given the obvious double-entendre of the word “sex.” (Cue Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me line, “Sex… yes please!”) However, in my cognitive travels, I have reached a fork in the road, with a sign on a pole in the middle:

Yes, please forgive my shoddy photo editing. It gets my point across. And that point is: we are no longer in a time where sex can unerringly equal gender, where the two can be swapped back and forth like partners at a swingers party. If we are to adopt the theory of orbiting in a gender galaxy as opposed to standing in a spot along the linear spectrum of binary gender assignment, then we also have to make the conscious decision to separate the two terms and use both to specify the context in which we are speaking. No longer, I feel, does “sex” always equal “gender.”

Sex, aside from being a pleasurable and sometimes procreative act, should ideally refer to the reproductive and genital organs a person was born with. A person of the male sex would have the XY chromosome, a penis and testes. A person of the female sex would have the XX chromosome, and at the very least a vulva, if not also the vagina, uterus and ovaries. (I am trying to take into account those born with defects. Bear with me, for the sake of my point.) Those who are neither, or in between in the biological sense are often referred to as hermaphrodites, or intersex. (See, there’s that term again. Intersex. Not intergender.)

Gender is a whole other ballgame; one, as mentioned before, often discussed. Gender is a huge hot topic in the world of alternative lifestyle. Going even further beyond the now-well known ideas of transgender and transvestitism are the ideas of genderqueer, cisgender, and genderfuck. Those terms do tie in with the ideas and various practices of transgender – they’re almost “umbrella terms” under which the more specific identities and practices exist – but oddly enough, while transgender and transvestitism are better known and more or less accepted (even if the people who practice them are not), the terms that describe them in their general state are new, buzzworthy, revolutionary even. The genderqueer concepts of “butch” and “femme” in the newly discovered gender galaxy are becoming more widespread and being more deeply explored than ever. No longer is “butch” just a term – or a nickname – for the burly, leather vest wearing, ‘do-rag sporting Harley biker with bad tattoos. No longer does “femme” just bring to mind the movie title Femme Fatale and more importantly, no longer is femme interchangeable with the term “feminine.” The era of gender enlightenment has been born. I for one cannot wait to see it flower into maturity.

A conglomeration

Wow, okay, it's September! A turning of the year, in this climate anyway. Things start cooling down, leaves on trees are fading, students are going back to school...

There's a certain newness in the air that's reflected in my own life. My new job that I start tomorrow, the new 365 Women's Photo Challenge I'm undertaking, and just the simple fact that this blog is still really damn new, and has so many places to go. The anticipation, the sense of untold opportunities is almost overwhelming. Maybe this blog isn't the only thing going places. Maybe I am too. It feels that way, right now at least.

On a somewhat kinkier note, CurvaceousDee turned me on to a photo contest held by Shay at The S Spot, and I wasn't doing anything important last night so M and I entered. My entry is here, and this one is M's. I particularly like M's; mine didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. Win or lose, though, coming up with the ideas and executing them was a lot of fun!

A thought that has been rolling around in my brain lately (banging up against all the other thoughts) is that of titles, and labels. The more I read around - in blogs, on websites I come across - the more titles I am exposed to. Two good examples would be the blog of The Femmenist Fucktoy, and Sinclair Sexsmith's Sugarbutch Chronicles. The discussion and exploration of these various titles and their deeper meanings is fascinating, but there again I find myself using the word "overwhelming," because wow, that's what it is! So many of the things that those two - and others - write about resonates with me on many levels, but at what point do I cap myself off? At what point do I say, "No more labels?" Mostly I identify as femme, but some days I feel butch! And the term "fagette" that ScarletLotus recently wrote about described me almost perfectly (well, minus the optional lesbian part). For a long while I identified as bisexual, but then I finally grasped the term pansexual and, what do you know, it fits, so now I'm that! "Thank you, I'll have the Pansexual Combo with a large side of Femme, a small thing of Butch - lightly salted - annnnd hell, throw in a Fetish for dessert." I have a list blog; I almost want to start a list of all the things that I could and do identify as just to keep them all straight! There are times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Dammit, I'm just ME! I'm the one standing on top of all these pigeonholes!" I just want to float along in the ocean of gender and sexual identification without washing up on any of its shores. I want to absorb it all.

Still, though, it's fun to discover new facets of my identity because in discovering them, I am generally also discovering new people with whom I can - and sometimes do - make a connection. Dog knows I am desperately trying to make connections anywhere I can, since I live in a fairly conservative backwater where drag queens and trannybois aren't exactly roaming the streets at large. Maybe one day I will be able to talk about these things face to face with somebody. Until then, the musings of bloggers more enlightened than I remain my only salvation.

Firsts

You would think that with all the thoughts running through my head lately, I would have something to write about. Yeesh.

September feels like it will be a month of firsts. For one, I'm starting my new job in September. A 365 days of pictures project in which I'm participating starts in September (that should be an interesting endeavor). And, or at least I'm hoping, my first munch will be in September.

I'm part of a regional group that does monthly munches (among other activities) in various cities in my area. July I just missed and August there was no munch because most of the group organizers were going up to a BDSM campout. Sooo, come September, I'm hoping...! I feel like that will be my "big break" into the BDSM world. I may actually have something interesting about which to write at that point.

I'm sorry, to the few readers I may have. I feel like a well run dry, and I've only just begun. I guess there are just a couple more obstacles I have to overcome to be a truly good kink blogger - being actually IN the realtime scene would be one of them!

The Internet makes the world feel so small that it's a huge disappointment when I realize that all of these friends I have online, kinky and otherwise, are nowhere near me. I will most likely never be able to see, hug, kiss, have coffee with or chat face to face with any of them. It's saddening because of course the Internet opens a person up to meeting the coolest people. Naturally, none of the coolest people exist anywhere near me!

I'm sorry again. I didn't mean for this post to turn into a pity party. I just wanted to write something so that this blog doesn't get an abandoned feel to it. I want very much to be a successful kink blogger. Of course, every road in life has its bumps and rough spots - I guess this is just one of them.

Submersion

It's been quite the laid back Sunday, so I took some time to browse through my list of favorite kinky blogs - catching up, really. Doing that usually leads me elsewhere, as I tend to open up interesting links in new tabs to browse through when I'm done reading what I originally opened, and eventually I was led from CatalinaLoves' blog to Naughty Secretary's blog back to Catalina's profile on FetLife - with a few detours into Thursday's blog and ScarletLotus' blog - and it really got me thinking how much I envy people who can devote their entire lives to something they love. And not just the kinky people who get paid to be kinky - no, also the people who get to spend their days playing with dogs or crafting bellydance gear or reviewing books and movies and gadgets.

How do those people get so lucky? How do those people escape the drudgery of a job separate from what they love? How do those people make their passions into their work, instead of an extracurricular activity, a hobby, a diversion? I discover these people and I wish, deeply wish I had found the open doors they did.

I've always got my eyes peeled for opportunities. With any luck, and more than a little determination, maybe one day I will become one of the lucky group whose days are devoted to what they love - one of the lucky few who love to do what they have to do.