Learnings

Last night, I discovered the most effective way to put M smack-dab into subspace.

Make her blind.

After I wrote that blog, I went nonchalantly into our (dark) bedroom and returned to the living room with our toybox. I requested she put down her book and remove her clothing, then lay back on the futon with her head at a certain end. Heheh, it made me smile to watch her face go from confusion to comprehension to utter joy.

She did as I asked, at which point I used my lengths of satiny fabric to bind her to the corners of the futon frame. (Have I mentioned that this futon is endlessly useful for my bondage purposes?) I had brought the flogger out from the bedroom as well, but I noticed my long wooden back scratcher lying on the end table, so I picked that up and teased her with it. The flat side (the back of the "hand") was really quite nice for smacking, whereas the curved side (the "fingers") was great for trailing over her skin and teasing her nipples.

But! Apparently the back of the "hand" is quite stingy - I would imagine so, since it left little square red marks everywhere I hit, and I didn't think I was hitting that hard - and she started anticipating the strikes, flinching before I'd even swung the thing. I found it somewhat amusing at first, but then she started flinching away from me, trying to twist her body to make inaccessible the part I was going to hit, and it started pissing me off. So I did the logical thing - I put her hole-less spandex hood on her, so she couldn't see and anticipate the strikes!

It's also worth noting that this was the first time we'd used the hood.

The hood went above and beyond the performance call, though. I swear, as soon as it was fitted over her nose and chin, she fell right into subspace. She didn't flinch, even when I'd run the "fingers" lightly over her ticklish spots. I started to hit harder and she would moan and arch into the strikes.

I imagine it also helped when I tucked the vibrator into her (sensible black cotton) underwear and turned it on to a medium setting.

Since she was sightless, I decided to take the opportunity to do a little texture/sensory play. I ran the tips of the flogger over her skin before hitting her with it. I trailed a soft washcloth over her skin - and cruelly pinched and tugged her nipples with my fingers wrapped in it; she really liked that. I did the same with a lacy pair of my underwear. I grabbed my studded leather belt from the bedroom doorknob and tapped and smacked her with it, running the studs over her nipples. And, as a last minute idea, I got my knife from the bedroom and ran its tip and blunt edge over her skin. I even scraped at her nipples with the sharp edge a bit. I had fun lightly poking her with the tip - she said that itched, so I distracted her from the itchiness by flogging her. :-D

This entire time she's getting more and more turned on by the vibrator on and around her clit - especially when I flogged the area, increasing the vibrator's pressure on her clit.

I was having a lot of fun teasing and torturing her nipples, plagued by my sad lack of nipple clamps. I got an idea, though, which was to use some non-serrated alligator hair clips! I must say, those worked very well as a beginner nipple clamp, because they were firm but not too torturous, and I was able to play with them a lot. (Scraping the exposed nipple with the sharp edge of the knife while the rest was in a clamp seemed to produce excellent results; I liked that particular bit.)

After much of this I travelled back to the vibrator at her clit, and gave her clit some much-needed attention, pulling her underwear aside and working the vibrator around her clit. It didn't seem like very long at all before she started whispering, barely audible, "Please... please..." At which point I asked her to please speak up, because I couldn't hear her. She repeated, louder. I asked her, "Please what?" "Please... may I... come?" (I suppose it's hard to speak between moans and gasps.) My response: "Mmm... what would you do if I said no?" A keening sort of whine escaped her lips. I chuckled and told her, "You may come." I think the vibrator shifted at that point though, because she bucked away, gasping that it was too directly on her clit, to the point of pain (the non-pleasurable sort, I imagine!). Luckily not all was lost, because not long after that she began moaning and gasping again. I informed her that she had permission to come whenever she was ready. That was a lovely orgasm to watch - her hips arching, higher, tenser, and then shuddering lower, lower, until she was pressing into the futon mattress.

She wasn't actually all that eager to have the hood removed. When I tried, she cringed, saying the light (just one, from the ceiling fan) was too bright, so I shrugged and put it back on her!

My parting observation was that her sexhead was really kind of cute. Since she chopped all her hair off, she doesn't get bedhead in the same way I do - hers just sticks up all over the place, like she stuck her finger in a light socket. So cute.

Needless to say, we went to sleep very satisfied last night. And I was not at all disappointed to be so tired the next morning at work.

Random thoughts

Argh... too many thoughts running through my head. That's what I get for reading so many blogs of others.

My first and foremost thought is how FUCKING much I love butch women. I'm hesitant to go into this much because lord knows I'd probably end up saying something inadvertently offensive (open mouth, insert foot!) but seriously, wow. Reading Sugarbutch Chronicles just puts it all in perspective in a really "WOW" kind of way. There was a picture on the website showing two "womyn," as was quoted in the caption, working on building... I think it was a stage or a catwalk or something. One picture was a closeup of one girl's hips, around which was a loosely draped toolbelt. Oh. My. GOD. I think I got a shiver down my spine. That just takes the whole image of a "sexy construction worker" to a whole new level.

And that's all I'll say on that subject, before I get a taste of my toeses.

Another, less happy thought I have roiling around in my mind is the WHY behind my reluctance for sex. Yeah, what the FUCK, right? I don't consider myself to have a low sex drive. It's THERE. I fantasize. I see people out in the world and want to know them sexually. I get myself off. But something goes really damn wrong when it comes to fucking my partner. I think about it at night, when we're in bed - I think about the toolbox on the floor beside our bed that we have converted into a kinky toybox, about the flogger hanging on a nail on the wall at the end of our bed. Hell, I flogged her a few times the other night. Heheh, it was fun! I fucking love flogging! So why don't I want to put forth the effort to actually FUCK my partner? Am I that lazy? Is there some underlying reason that demotivates me? It certainly isn't her. I mean, come on - it goes right back to my love of butch women. She is the ULTIMATE butch woman because she is MY butch woman. I most certainly find her attractive, desirable - mentally and physically! So what the fuck is my problem?

You know, it probably is laziness. My lazy ass falls into bed and just wants to go to sleep. Yeah, well, a good sex life is well worth losing a little sleep. I need to get it together.

Speaking of which... you know what, we pulled the futon out for some good sprawling/cuddling time. I want to try some spread-eagle bondage. Later, y'all. ;)

My first KSL post!

On a less self-pitying note, I just posted my first blog over on Kinky Sex Link! Go check it out, eh?

Edit: Ha, I just realized I made "my first" KSL post right after my previous post here talking about firsts! And it's not even September yet. ;)

Firsts

You would think that with all the thoughts running through my head lately, I would have something to write about. Yeesh.

September feels like it will be a month of firsts. For one, I'm starting my new job in September. A 365 days of pictures project in which I'm participating starts in September (that should be an interesting endeavor). And, or at least I'm hoping, my first munch will be in September.

I'm part of a regional group that does monthly munches (among other activities) in various cities in my area. July I just missed and August there was no munch because most of the group organizers were going up to a BDSM campout. Sooo, come September, I'm hoping...! I feel like that will be my "big break" into the BDSM world. I may actually have something interesting about which to write at that point.

I'm sorry, to the few readers I may have. I feel like a well run dry, and I've only just begun. I guess there are just a couple more obstacles I have to overcome to be a truly good kink blogger - being actually IN the realtime scene would be one of them!

The Internet makes the world feel so small that it's a huge disappointment when I realize that all of these friends I have online, kinky and otherwise, are nowhere near me. I will most likely never be able to see, hug, kiss, have coffee with or chat face to face with any of them. It's saddening because of course the Internet opens a person up to meeting the coolest people. Naturally, none of the coolest people exist anywhere near me!

I'm sorry again. I didn't mean for this post to turn into a pity party. I just wanted to write something so that this blog doesn't get an abandoned feel to it. I want very much to be a successful kink blogger. Of course, every road in life has its bumps and rough spots - I guess this is just one of them.

Kinky Sex Link!

I am very excited to announce that this little baby blog run by this newbie kinkster will be contributing to Kinky Sex Link!

I'm still not sure if I will contribute by writing themed entries, or just crossposting from this journal. Maybe both. Not sure, really! I almost feel a little overwhelmed! Where to begin!

This is where I'd love to have a kinky version of LiveJournal's Question of the Day. Writing prompts for the win!

The face behind the mask

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I read someone's blog, I like knowing that they're human - that there's a real person with strengths and weaknesses, strong points and flaws, behind the words. With that in mind, I chose to write a little about me. (Sorry though stalkers, it won't be enough!)

Starting with the obvious: I am a twentysomething bio-female. I do identify mostly as female, but I don't dig binary gender roles. I like to get butchy on occasion. I like to alternate between growing my hair out and cutting it short, between wearing heels and low-cut blouses and wearing jeans, Chucks and a men's t-shirt.

I am a woman of substance. That is to say: I'm chubby! And for the most part, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll never be slender or willowy. I would like to be in better shape, but I'm getting there.

I'm in a lifelong relationship with an awesome girl, known here as M. She is bio-female but identifies as genderqueer. She is my age.

I am a college graduate. Nothing fancy, just an AA, enough to get me by in the field that I had then chosen. I've since changed fields (some of you know about my new job - now all of you know!). I'm happy about this change!

I'm a bellydancer, a computer geek, a bookworm and a movie nut. A hardcore canine aficionado. Non-religious, politically middle of the road, although I support Obama for President.

I'm pretty damn new to the BDSM scene - hence all the alluding to "journeys" and such around this blog. It's a new adventure, and it's been a good time so far. I think I was always aware of the scene, due to all my time spent in books and online, but it never occurred to me that I could be a part of it until recently. M and I just kind of fell into it, and then I found out my mother of all people was in the scene, and it kind of took off from there. Nothing as accepting as having your own mum in the scene, y'know? She's the one who originally turned me on to FetLife, even.

So that's what this is all about, pretty much. Documenting my journey, my discoveries. I haven't seen too many newbie bloggers out there. So I'm hoping that, in addition to recording some great memories, I'll be able to help a few other newbies realize that it's okay that they're new; it's okay to make mistakes and goof up and be awkward; it's okay to not know what something is or to have to research - in fact, researching anything about the scene is a great way to start! It's okay to be excited about your first munch or your first play party, or even excited about your first piece of leather.

Ugh, I didn't mean to get so sappy. Anyway, that's me. I'm human. I have flaws and weaknesses - junk food being among them! In fact, now that I'm done with this post, I'm going to go switch out the laundry and wash the dishes (by hand). Maybe that'll get rid of my recurring ant problem!

The big move

Well, this blog is officially a product of Blogger now, instead of LiveJournal. It just felt kinda weird being on LJ - I felt too much like a subset of LJ itself, instead of my own person with my own blog. Maybe that's just the franchise LJ has become. Who knows?

In any case, I'm happy being here! I like all the things I can do with my blog layout-wise, I like the setup, I like that I don't have to worry about being "too adult" for the site. (I had that worry with LJ since it seems so teen-oriented there; although, funnily enough, my regular blog is located there and I'm 100% happy with it.)

Anyway, thanks to all who followed me over here from there, and sorry to have to be a pain in the ass about moving around!

Nips

My nipples have reawakened themselves. This is a very, very pleasing development (in a very, very literal sense!).

When I first became sexually active (flashbacks to Juno: "What does that MEAN, anyway?"), my nipples were fairly sensitive, but fine to touch and play with. I enjoyed having them fondled. Then as the years wore on, I found them getting more and more sensitive, to the point where any touch at all was "YAH OW GET THE FUCK OFF" painful. Then it got so bad that just having them rub up against my bra was painful - in fact, the entire breast itself was sore and tender to the touch. I've since developed some ideas as to why my breasts were like that, but the good news is that that particular condition has since died down, thank deity!
Of course, the good news is that my nipples are touchable again! I always figured I'd just be one of those women who can't have her nipples played with, which was not a very encouraging prospect.

The funny thing is... the event that seemed to "trigger" my nipples going back to normal involved them being pinched, pulled and bitten so damn hard that they were bruised for days after. That would also be the same night I came to the conclusion that M can fuck me, if the situation is approached in the right mindset.

My joy at this new development is palpable - particularly last night when my nipples were very nicely played with as a prelude to being very nicely fucked. It was almost enough to make me not miss cock at all!

A positive development

So, remember how I was talking about it being awkward when M fucked me? It felt too much like I was lying back and letting her take control and decide what to do to me. Well, all that changed last night!

We fucked. And when I say "we fucked, " I mean we fucked each other. And may I just say, it felt good. Not awkward at all. I think it helped to approach the whole situation with a different attitude. Well, that and I didn't just lie back and let her have at me - for the most part I was kneeling above her, and she was the one lying back. And I had the mindset of letting her make me feel good, while I made her feel even better.

I think it's safe to say that in the end, we were both satisfied. Lord knows I was, after quite the dry spell on the receiving end!

I still want to rock the subspace eventually, though.

The Domestic Dominant

I find myself with nothing of any sexual interest to write, as I have not done much but tease the hell out of M since I tied her up. That in itself is amusing - I really do think I love teasing more than the actual act of sex - but it doesn't exactly grease the wheels of my creativity, blogging-wise.

I do, however, have some thoughts to contribute as far as my odd nature goes. I identify as a switch, but I do not switch with M - she is my submissive, I am her Dominant, and that never changes between us (although she does like to test her limits sometimes, little brat). However, even though M is a sub, she is by NO means a service sub in the sense that she has the responsibility of taking care of all domestic tasks. She does cook more often than I do, but that's more due to her preference (and talent) for cooking, and my indifference to it. I like to eat; I have to be in a special mood to want to prepare what I eat.

The rest of the domestic tasks, like laundry, cleaning, organizing, most yardwork, etc... well, mostly they fall to me. No, "fall" is the wrong verb. I took them on. The house and its immediate surroundings are MY domain, and I take pride in keeping them (or trying to keep them) in top shape. I am the one driven crazy when things get messy, whereas she hardly even notices unless her couch space is overridden with the junk she never throws away. I am the one who cleans up after herself (and M) and devotes days off to chores - M is happy to sit and read among the filth that has accumulated during our long days at work. I am the one who frequents FetLife groups like Service and Domestic Service and derives inspiration from them.

And yet, as I am doing these domestic tasks, I feel no submission. Generally I am content, at peace with myself, sometimes a little pissy at M because there ARE times I wish she would help out around the house more, but doing these domestic tasks in the house we share as partners makes me feel in no way less dominant to her. I just enjoy taking charge of the tasks around the house, getting them done the way I like them to be done.

Part of me wishes Maelynn had a stronger preference for taking over at least some of these tasks. Or at least that she were less of a packrat/slob. But in the end, I am truly my mother's daughter in that I take pride in having a well-kept house. (Or at least, a house that looks well-kept when someone comes over. I wouldn't submit anyone to what it looks like on the average busy day!)

Idling

I almost feel as though I'm stalled alongside the road that symbolizes my journey into and through the world of BDSM. M and I are comfortable in our roles, we've played with various toys - not all of them, mind you; my wish list is still VERY long, but that anticipation of playing with ANYthing, of popping the toy cherry if you will, is no longer there. I feel like I've hit the first roadblock, and it's keeping me from progressing into broadening my horizons - basically, expanding into the rest of the community. I want to meet others! I want to talk face to face to people about this lifestyle, I want to flirt and be a little slutty, and show off my girl to the rest of them. It really, really sucks that there won't be a local munch until maybe next month. I'm ready.

On a more positive note, I seem to have developed a Look that brings M down from uppity-space and puts her right back into subspace. It's quite useful since sometimes she just can't help herself even though she knows I hate it when she's bratty or childish.

I wish I had more to write about. Unfortunately, regarding the kinkier side of things, not much has been going on. FetLife seems to be slowing down some, activity wise - the groups I'm a part of aren't nearly as active as they once were - but I think that has to do with people getting fed up with the very, very slow servers. Which reminds me, I really need to donate. No sense bitching if I'm not going to do anything to help fix the problem!

I'll tellya what, though: many of the people I've met on FetLife are positively bedazzling. These people have such charisma, such personality; I feel like a child among rock stars. I can only imagine what meeting them in person would feel like - probably something similar to being swept up in a flash flood. I would die happy, though, if I drowned in those waters.

A new experience

Mmmm, so last night was fun! Having taken the flogger out of my overcrowded toybox and hanging it up on the wall, then adding to the box the lengths of satin cloth I figured would make good "rope" until I got some Japanese silk rope or something, I was feeling a little kinky and ready for some action. The perfect moment came when M was lying on the futon in our living room, looking rather inviting. Being that the futon is the only somewhat comfortable furniture I could tie her to (no bedposts, sigh), the situation was opportune.

She had her eyes closed, dozing somewhat, so I crept into the bedroom and grabbed the toybox (which is just a converted toolbox - nothing fancy). I set it down on the footstool, quietly opened it and drew out the lengths of dark green satin. Before she opened her eyes and realized what was happening, I had her arms above her head and was tying her wrists together, and then tying those bound wrists to the armrest of the futon. Oh, I was loving it.

Next came the flogger, and a few testing swats on her thighs and the V of her pussy. The smile that indicates M going into her painslut subspace crept across her face, and I grinned in approval. The swats got more frequent, harder. She couldn't decide whether she wanted to arch into them, or away. At one point she brought her knee up to shield her pussy - I had decided not to tie her ankles for this session - and I gave her an extra-hard swat on that thigh, enough to make her cringe and enough to make me grin in what I imagine was a rather evil manner. I do so love pushing her pain boundaries.

After a short while it occurred to me that I could be SO much more teasing than I was being, and I love, love to tease. So I pulled out our sleek, black vibrator and toyed with her clit for a moment, then pulled her panties aside and slowly slid it into her pussy. It was easy - she was quite damp. I pumped it in and out a few times, making sure she was in the thrall of its vibrating pressure on her G spot, at which point I left it there and secured it in place with her panties, squeezing her thighs shut around it. Again I resumed the flogging, going up and down her torso and legs.

However, nothing is more appealing to me than flogging the hell out of her back and ass, leaving red stripes and blotches in my wake, so I had her flip over, then pulled her shirt up to her shoulders and her panties down under her ass. There's something about playing/fucking with clothes on that excites me - like the urgency of the need is so great that one cannot be bothered with something as minute as clothing removal.

Then came the real fun. She's much less sensitive on her back and ass, so I got to hit her harder. More frequently. I got to witness her ass turning bright apple red, and the telltale stripes and blotches reveal themselves on her back and thighs. My hits became rhythmic, interspersed with agonizingly slow drags of the tails across her ass and back. Naturally, the rhythm of my hits reminded me of music, and conveniently enough I had my laptop - complete with iTunes - right there underneath the toybox. So I started playing some music. Started hitting her to the beats of the music. Every now and then I'd fuck her with the vibrator to the beat of the music. Yes, I think I really do like sex and playing with music!

After some time of this - and me deriving what was probably way too much glee out of Musical Flogging - she begged me to pay her clit some attention, so being the loving Domina that I am to her *wink wink* I withdrew the vibrator from her dripping pussy and began to play it over her clit. She started to get very worked up and I gently reminded her that if she need to ask me something, to please feel free to ask. Finally she begged me to come, and of course my first teasing instinct is to draw away, but apparently she was already on that heady, rushing brink, and my pulling away made her lose her orgasm. I couldn't tell you whose fault it was - hers, for waiting too long? Or mine, for not knowing that a sub begs when she's on the brink? Maybe both, or neither? Eh, in either case, frustrated though she was, she fell into a peaceful doze as I went about cleanup.

I left her tied to the futon for some time, finally letting her go around the time I wanted to go to bed. I discovered that the longer end of the satin that I used to tie her to the armrest made a very nice makeshift leash. I also experimented with bending her arms behind her head, then looping the long end loosely around her neck and tucking it into the opposite wrists's binding, which I liked. Then, finally - sated - we went to bed. She slept the deep slumber of a sub who got exactly what she wanted - well, minus the orgasm of course. But hey, it's healthy for a sub not to get the expected orgasm every time, eh? *wink*

Interesting changes

So M and I just got back from California last night. We stayed the weekend to visit family, and it was great. I got a beautiful black corset free, courtesy of my mother! I cannot begin to tell you how cool it is to have my mother be into BDSM as well.

In any case, that's not the point of this post. While we were there, M and I went shopping with my mother, and we ended up in a department store's men's section looking at ties. My mother wanted a hot pink one to complete an outfit of hers. ;) Anyway, M found a nice black men's dress shirt on sale, so she picked one up, and then idly began looking at ties. I jokingly called her my "little tranny boi." She laughed, but on the road home that night, admitted that when I had called her that, something clicked inside her.

She's been tomboyish for as long as I've known her - before that, even - but up until fairly recently hadn't really taken it as far as she could have. She's always had a boyish body, minus her large bosom, so she felt more comfortable in men's clothes, since they were more suited to her straight frame. She had long, long hair when I met her, though. I don't think it ever occurred to her that she could cut it, because her mother and sister also had very very long hair and they all just cut their hair at home. Even her dad and brother have their hair cut at home. Stylists and experimentation were not really something her family did as far as hair goes.
Well, it wasn't too long into our relationship that we were browsing through one of my fashion magazines (a guilty pleasure) and came across an article detailing various haircuts, one of which was a girl whose waist-length hair had been shopped off into a pixie cut to make her facial features stand out more. It looked gorgeous, and got M thinking about cutting it. I supported the idea - hey, really, whatever she wants to do with her looks is fine by me - so she went and had it done, and it looked great! She loved it so much more because it was so low-fuss; she didn't even have to worry about putting her hair back anymore, or worry about it getting in the way of anything. Plus, it just... suited her. Just another facet of her tomboyishness.

That's a bit of the background. Back to more recently: we got into a pretty deep discussion on the way back home about something clicking inside her when I called her a tranny boi. She's always felt more masculine, always felt awkward when she was "girlified" - and you can tell, she looks a little stiff in her high school formal dance wear, with her hair curled and makeup on. She looks good in makeup, don't get me wrong, but I'm talking more along the lines of smudgy eyeliner, not all the stuff she had on for those dances.

Her biggest hate, though, is her breasts. She HATES them. I understand why - I'd hate mine too if I were an active, athletic girl and had DD to DDD breasts always getting in the way. She hated them also for the aesthetics, particularly their burgeoning presence in her men's clothes. Plus, she told me, she just wants to be able to go shirtless in hot weather like a guy. :D So we began talking about voluntary mastectomies, what I knew of the procedure, the counseling involved, etc.

Then she started asking about full transitioning. She wanted to know everything - what I knew fact-wise, my opinions, etc. The conclusion: she's no transsexual. But genderqueer: oh definitely. She likes having a vagina, she likes our relationship dynamic (which would undoubtedly change if she were to transition fully into a male), and she just likes the idea of being herself, only... androgynous, genderqueer (there's that term again). Herself, only breastless. That's really the final step. She's already got the masculine demeanor, the short hair, the men's clothes.
Throughout it all I told her that I would support her no matter what she chose. I would sure as hell find her attractive without breasts - to be honest, I don't find breasts all that appealing anyway. Sure, occasionally there's the perfect pair I can't help drooling over, but for the most part I'm attracted to the shape of a woman's body in general, or her ass (especially her ass), or her legs. If anything I prefer a woman with smaller breasts, so her breastlessness wouldn't affect me in the slightest. Or at least, it wouldn't affect me in a negative manner.

I will love to see how happy she is after she has them removed, though. I think it will be that final freedom for her. She's fine with her girly bits down below - it's the ones up top she wants gone. So this should be an interesting journey toward her fulfillment.