How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?

Kinky Sex Link posts a writing prompt every Monday, and I follow them because I'm always looking for something good to write about. This past Monday's prompt was:

"How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?"

This one resonated with me because it's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while. M's and my relationship HAS gotten better not only since we discovered BDSM but also since we discovered that we were both switches and that I was not the hard-line, set-in-stone Dominant. To write about why I think this is, I feel I must first start with describing how our relationship might have been if we had not discovered BDSM.

It's odd because I can't imagine vanilla sex anymore. I can't imagine me having vanilla sex and I can't imagine anyone else having vanilla sex. I don't know how anyone could prefer plain vanilla sex to sex with even a little bit of kink in it. (Of course, that could take me into a tangent about the exact description of kink, but I'll save it for later.) That being said, M and I would still have had a relationship without kink and BDSM. Our relationship has a solid foundation even outside the realm of kink. We largely share the same interests in books, movies and music; our political and general views on life are very similar. Hell, we even share the same preference for breeds of dog!

Those things, and others I haven't defined here (the things that should be in any relationship: trust, honesty, appreciation, humor) make a good relationship. They have made ours a good relationship. Getting into BDSM, though, has made this good relationship a great relationship. A superb relationship; a memorable, unforgettable, strong lifetime relationship. How is this?

Vulnerability.

I really think that's what it is. The key to making our good relationship an amazing relationship is vulnerability. Otherwise we are both a couple of very proud, somewhat walled-off women who would not have been able to connect and give 100% to each other.

Even just talking about BDSM gives us an advantage. We're both admitting an interest in something that is absolutely not mainstream, that is often frowned upon and persecuted. We're opening ourselves up just a little, reaching out and saying, "Hey, I'm different," and allowing ourselves to be either accepted or rejected. Obviously, we chose the former for each other.

And then there's the physical aspect of BDSM. How much trust does it take, how much vulnerability does it open to allow someone to restrain you into helplessness and inflict pain upon you? To trust them to toe the limit and not break that bond of trust? To trust them to respect your safewords and not continue to push after you've asked to stop? All of this takes an enormous amount of trust, and in trusting we open ourselves up to vulnerability.

Then there's the appreciation that goes along with that. What kind of an ethical person could not appreciate being trusted in such a manner? It's an odd feeling of pride and humility mixed, that another person could turn themselves belly up and trust you not to eviscerate them.

Summarily, being into BDSM has forced M and I to break down our walls and be vulnerable to each other. We have both cried in front of each other. We have both talked about this vulnerability, and how best to not take advantage of it. BDSM requires such extensive communication that we have almost unwittingly gotten to know each other better - strengths, weaknesses, needs, desires. It's a powerful thing. It is power, knowing that much about someone. It takes a great strength of will to not take advantage, to not use. Upholding that trust only builds more. It's a not-so-vicious cycle.

Not to mention every relationship needs a little fun!

I find myself craving the bottom more lately. I was flogged by M a few nights ago and it was... incredibly intense, but amazing. Now I want more. More flogging, and other things - caning, slapping, spanking. I want to be tied up something fierce.

There's that funny thing about pain. It wasn't entirely enjoyable. Even the pain when I had the needles in my boobs wasn't entirely enjoyable. But I still had a smile on my face. And I still liked it. It's so backwards. But hey, I guess that's what "alternative" is all about.

God, Christmas is far too close. I really need to get going with shopping.

A contribution

Also, I wrote a short story about my needle play experience for Kinky Sex Link. Amped up the poetry and all that. What a good time!

Another notch on the bedpost

Well, another play party under my belt, and this one was goooooood. A lot of great scenes, a lot of things I hadn't seen before - CBT, violet wand play, plastic wrap bondage - and I even did a little topping myself. I got to flog the bottom girl I'd been wanting to flog, although I didn't get to hit as hard as I wanted because it was her time of the month, so she was a little sensitive, and so some sensation play with a bristle brush. It was really fun to get her all worked up with the bristles then paddle her on the ass with the flat side.

I also got to do some needles on the woman who did needles on me the last time. Now that was fun. I didn't do too many or do very pretty designs, but I got to experience it and it was awesome. I could easily do that again. It was fun to watch her sink into the happy piercing place.

It also helped because I was massively comfortable at this party. Physically, I mean. No too-long corset digging into my underarms. I had on some sexy dance pants and a really cute fringed flapper-type top I got at Torrid. All soooo comfy. But I got a lot of compliments, especially on the pants! Melos get compliments wherever they go, that's for sure.

I am sore today though. Funnily enough, not from the party! Friday night I was at a friend's house playing Wii bowling and tennis until the wee hours of the morning. For the first time ever. My arm is definitely not in good Wii-shape! Oh well. Nothing naproxen and rest can't cure.

Speaking of arms being in shape, I was pretty impressed with myself the other night. Not only did I fuck M into several orgasms, but I did it with my left hand! I am generally such a righty, I surprised even myself. We both got good sleep that night. :D

Also, I really really need a harness. I wanted to fuck her while wearing the cock so bad that night. It was ridiculous. Harness: definitely high up on the kinky wish list.

Guess it's a good thing Christmas is nearing! ;)

The Un-HNT Post

Well, it's 10:45pm where I am tonight and of course I just remembered that tomorrow is (Half-Nekkid) Thursday, so I attempted a pic. I stripped down, put on my new black fringed top that will be on me for the next play party on Saturday, put on a brand new pair of lacy black boy short undies and plopped the camera in M's hand.

Ugh.

Just... ugh.

It was wrong. I tossed the camera aside in disgust. Pasty, dimply thighs, hunched back, ungraceful hands. What the hell was I thinking? I don't think I've ever felt unsexier in my life. I stripped back down and put on my SpongeBob jammies in frustrated resignation.

M is frustrated too. She couldn't keep her hands off me - almost literally. I kept having to push her away so she'd take a picture, only to have to do it again once she'd snapped the (awful) shot. She apparently thought I was sexy. But how much does that help when I feel like the Michelin Man trying to be a Playboy Bunny?

Oddly enough, though, as I sit here writing this (still in Spongebob jammies!) I'm feeling sexy again. Lord only knows what my hair looks like. Probably not great. The top accompanying those oh-so-couture cartoon pants is an old, faded black tank top. The elastic lining the shelf bra inside the top is about to fall off completely. Any makeup that might have been on earlier in the day is totally gone now. (Anyone else experience total makeup meltdown? It sucks.)

But I feel... comfy. And sexy. Just like I felt pretty sexy earlier this evening in my black track pants and the black v-neck top I had worn to work. Funny how things work.

So apparently I was trying too hard. And that definitely is not sexy, on anyone.

I guess next time I'll get M to take a pic of the jammies, eh?

TFG

I just posted a new contribution on The Femme's Guide: Haircut Causes Minor Identity Crisis.

It's about time I posted something over there!

I've got some 'splaining to do!

Wow, I'm really starting November out with a phlllbbbttttt. I have failed to give any sort of update whatsoever on how my first play party on November 1st went, or the munch that was on the following Tuesday, or... anything at all!

For this I must apologize. However, when your mother has a heart attack and has to be flown over from her coastal town to your own town to be hospitalized in their cardiac care unit, things tend to get a little hectic.

Phew. So yeah. My mom had a heart attack the night of my first play party, Saturday November 1st. The day that will live in infamy. And of course it was the one night I don't have my cell phone on me; it was in my purse in the storage closet at the house where the play party was being held. Suddenly my mom's play partner (a man from my local scene) comes rushing in and pulls me aside, and lets me know my mother's had a small heart attack and is being flown to the hospital over here. Uh... yeah, hello there shock, nice to meet you!

All in all she's doing fine though. Her heart's clear, the heart attack didn't damage her heart at all. She had what the doctor called a classic muscle spasm heart attack, which is actually fairly common in women of my mother's age who are emotional (she is) and going through times of stress (she was). I now tease her that she fretted herself into a heart attack - which basically, she did!

But anyway, she got out of the hospital on Tuesday and has been staying in a hotel here so she can be around friends and family. My aunt came up yesterday to see her and have lunch with us. I've been seeing my mom after work every day except today. So all in all... yeah, busy!

Tonight I have set aside, though, to catch myself up on everything. And I do mean everything. So here goes.

The play party! Aside from finding out my mother had had a heart attack - it was amazing, awesome, wonderful in almost every way. It started out with a sub girl and a switch guy being cuffed to a double St. Andrews cross and being Topped by a gorgeous FemDomme, and just progressed from there. Even M, who had only wanted to come and watch this time so as to not overwhelm herself, played! She stripped and was spanked quite thoroughly by the same FemDomme, who topped just about every sub at that party. It was really really incredible to watch. Everyone was commenting on how nice and tight M's ass is. I must concur. ;)

And yes, I did participate myself! I flogged on the sub girl some, which was great - I totally want to do it more thoroughly next time - and engaged in a little needle play... on myself! The organizer of our local munches does needle play, and I had been wanting to try, so I did. They had me strapped onto a gravity board, which they laid back and propped on a stool so I was horitonzal. My wrists were cuffed to the armrests and my ankles were trapped in between the ankle rests and this thing that reminded me of the bars they use to keep kids on roller coasters. The munch organizer - I'll call her Q - then proceeded to make pretty criss-cross patterns on my boobs with 22 and 20g needles. It was utterly delicious. The 20g needles were a little whoaaaa but all in all I was grinning like an idiot the whole time. And shaking like crazy from the adrenaline! It helped to eat and drink some when I was done, though. I still have the loveliest little red dots and fading bruises on my breasts.

Right boob.

Left boob.

And a fairly crappy cell phone shot of the whole package, including my dopey smile!

So yes, all in all, a very fun night. There's another party on the 15th which I will probably attend. More fun for everyone!

And yes, the munch! That was just about the best munch that has happened yet. A new guy showed up who was pretty cool. Just about everyone was in tears laughing at one point. One girl fell out of her chair. The new guy snorted cheesecake up his nose on accident. Our previously shy waitress finally came out of her shell enough to joke around with the rest of us. It was great!

Oh, and I got my hair cut! Pretty short. It went from almost mid-back (you can kinda see the length in my profile picture) to this:

I am absolutely in love with it. It takes me maybe two seconds to mess with it in the morning and I'm good to go. Plus, love showing off the tattoo on the back of my neck. Maybe I'll make that my next HNT!

Oh, and... HELL YEAH OBAMA!!!!!!! I'm sorely disappointed that people are fighting so hard over banning gay marriage, but I know that fight's not going to be easily won. At least we have Obama and a Democratic House and Senate. At least Oregon voted in a new, Democratic senator instead of keeping the incumbent, a disgustingly rich, Republican buddy of Dubya. And at least abortion rights fared pretty well on the ballots.

The future is bright. It can't not be, when such wonderful changes are afoot. Yes, there are still fights to be fought, but nothing worth having was easily won.

Fight on!