I find myself craving the bottom more lately. I was flogged by M a few nights ago and it was... incredibly intense, but amazing. Now I want more. More flogging, and other things - caning, slapping, spanking. I want to be tied up something fierce.

There's that funny thing about pain. It wasn't entirely enjoyable. Even the pain when I had the needles in my boobs wasn't entirely enjoyable. But I still had a smile on my face. And I still liked it. It's so backwards. But hey, I guess that's what "alternative" is all about.

God, Christmas is far too close. I really need to get going with shopping.

Slinking back in

Wow, I've been pretty AWOL, haven't I? Terribly sorry. Feel free to spank me. ;-)

No, in all honesty, not much has been happening that would prompt me to post up until a couple days ago. A couple days ago, M's prize from Shay's S Spot contest, the Hottie from Eden Fantasys arrived.

Oohhhh my! I haven't masturbated with the toy yet so I'm holding off on an official, thorough review, but being fucked with it gets at least four out of five stars. I absolutely adore it.

And yes, being fucked with it. Thaaaat was a very good night. Not only did I get fucked with a toy that is probably one of the best alternatives to real cock (for those who go for real cock), but M got a little toppy. And I. Loved. It.

It's interesting for me to think back on when I said I didn't think M topping me would work since our relationship wasn't very switchy and she didn't think she was very switchy. Both of those statements have proved to be very, very false! M can most definitely be switchy as evidenced by how toppy she got with me the night we played with the Hottie: pinning me down, verbally topping, even a bit of forced orgasm play. I was absolutely digging it, so apparently I can be topped by her!

Also interestingly, this switching up seems to have relieved a bit of tension in our relationship, and I think I understand why. Before, our relationship was pretty strictly Dom/sub. I was the Dominant, she was the submissive, and things got shaken up whenever she didn't act submissive. Sometimes she could be put back into subspace; sometimes she couldn't, and that led to pretty nasty arguments when it happened. But now things seem to click more easily in our relationship. Outside the bedroom we almost have a fairly vanilla seeming relationship, with equal levels of power exchange. Of course, both of us know that's entirely not true. :-D

I certainly don't get pissed off anymore if she acts a little toppy, which had definitely smoothed out our dynamic.

Oh, and I have also discovered something else about myself - in particular, my bottomy side - that doesn't come as a surprise at all: I am one very smart-ass bottom. I don't say smart-ass masochist (SAM) because I'm not a very hardcore masochist; I don't say smart-ass sub because to me that implies some level of permanence in the position. But I am most definitely a smartass bottom. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys challenge and enjoys cooking up creative ways to shut up a bottom who won't stop making snarky, sarcastic remarks and taunting the Top. I am the perfect bottom for a Top who enjoys struggle - a bit of a fight.

Luckily for me in my relationship with M, she is that kind of Top. It sure keeps things fun in the bedroom - even outside the bedroom to a certain extent, since we're both pretty snarky and smartass.

This lightening of the mood overall is really quite enjoyable. The episodes of serious power struggle are pretty much over. We joke about it more often now, and play around with power struggle/exchange.

Anyhoo, stay tuned because if I don't get too busy, a very nice HNT should be coming up this week, and probably following next weekend a full review of the Hottie should be out!

Service

There is a side of myself that I desperately need to explore. It is a side that so rarely comes out in the way that it should. My service side.

It's fairly well-known (at least, I think) that I'm a switch and that in my relationship with M, I fill the dominant role, quite naturally; she brings out the Dom in me and for the most part, I bring out the sub in her - although lord knows she loves to push the limits! I should really talk to more Tops who Top Tops, and devise better strategies. ;)

(That is another post into itself. I believe M is switchier than she thinks.)

In any case, my submissive side in general is a side that has been explored very little. In fact, the most exploration it gets, besides inner contemplation, is talking to my mother (a sub) and reading subs' blogs and a few forums on FetLife.

However, that's what brings me to write this post: those damn forums on FetLife. They'll getcha every time! I lurk on two forums: Service, and Domestic Servitude. Mostly for inspiration, really. Those women have some really excellent tips for running a household, lemme tellya. It's when they get to the drive behind it all, the theoretical talk, that I start getting wistful.

I do take great satisfaction in keeping my own house functioning. Most of those women undoubtedly put me to shame with their houses, and I should really be more consistent in my cleaning/tidying, but when it gets done, man, do I love it. But is it the same? Is the satisfaction as great as when someone else acknowledges and appreciates? M, while not exactly service oriented (she's really not domestic beyond her talent for cooking - my own untamed chef; she's more handy), positively glows when she's done something - from as simple as mowing the lawn to her current project, repainting the bathroom - and I voice my appreciation in the simplest form: "Good girl."

I want that glow.

It can be tough to be a mostly monogamous switch. Especially one who hasn't yet become majorly active in the scene. (Although that's changing, starting Tuesday!) I'll either find a way to explore it or find a way to live with it. Can't be too hard, when I get to tie up and flog this:

Don't you think?

The deeper meaning of cravings

I've known about my Switch nature for quite some time, but for a while I thought my Domme side was stronger than my sub side. Now, I'm not so sure of this. I am coming to believe that this may just be a matter of circumstance.

I've been in relationships with women for the past three years or so, and have not had sex with a male during this time. My last relationship with a woman was very chaotic, and I was too busy trying to make it work to worry about penis. Well, my current (and lifelong) relationship is more or less wonderful - I say more or less because every relationship has its ups and downs - so I occasionally find my mind wandering. It generally wanders right into Cockville.

At least twice in this relationship - which, granted, has only lasted 1.5 years so far - I have been absolutely swamped by extremely strong cravings for a penis. Not necessarily a relationship with a male, but I absolutely craved, OBSESSED about having sex with a man. I just attributed it to the fact that I'm getting regular girl sex but no guy sex whatsoever, and to just about anyone with any inclination towards penis, every now and then there's nothing that can substitute for real, flesh and blood penis. Not even the best dildo/vibrator.

Now that I'm learning more about the lifestyle, I'm beginning to realize that my "cock craving" goes deeper than that. It stems from a desire to be Topped. I love Topping women - women bring out the Domme in me - but with men, I want to be Topped. I don't just want to have sex with a man, I want to be fucked by a man, to be bent over and thoroughly, deliciously used. And then I want to watch (or even participate) while he fucks my partner, who is mostly submissive.
All this no strings attached, of course. I'm not looking to be collared, or to have an open relationship. I just want a strong, Dominant man to play with, to let loose my submissive side. (And get my girl some experience with men.) I lovelovelove being a Domme, but every now and then She needs to step down and let my sub side have some fun.