A Flogger in Hand Beats... Well, Just About Anyone Really!

Crossposted from Kinky Sex Link.

You know how they say a woman can put on that right pair of heels, or that right shade of lipstick and suddenly it’s like a light going on inside her – she’s really just herself with the aide of that one special item? Her walk turns into a sashay, her smile is that much more confident, her eyes that much sparklier. That is how I feel with a flogger in my hand.

My 72-tail suede flogger was one of my first BDSM implements that I didn’t just find lying around my house waiting to be perverted. It’s heavy and thuddy, but with the right flick of the wrist can turn into a stingy little bugger too. When I hold that flogger I almost feel more like it is a natural extension of my body more so than a tool I hold – much like I imagine a horseback rider feels like s/he is an extension of the horse rather than a separate entity. And more than an extension, it is a transformer.

Nothing makes me feel toppier than the weight of the handle in my hand, the braided leather pressing into my palm, my other fingers curled around the soft suede of the tails. I feel my spine straighten, my stance widen, and my gaze takes on a predatory feel as I search for that perfect spot to strike. My grin becomes especially wicked, almost wolfish, as I take in the half-wary anticipation of my bottom.

Holding and using that flogger – or any nice flogger, really – seems to open the doors of my creative side, as well. Seemingly innocuous items around the house suddenly become implements of pain, or sensory play. Everything has potential and with the change in attitude that flogger brings, suddenly I see it.

I also think that perhaps in order to re-enliven the sadomasochist within myself, perhaps I should work on visualizing that flogger in my hand even when it is not there. There is something to be said for the confidence and creativity of a top. It is an attitude I feel could be rewarding in every aspect of life.

SSC vs. RACK

There was a prompt over on Kinky Sex Link that caught my eye, mostly because I think this topic has been inexplicably on my mind a lot lately. It has to do with the BDSM mantras of SSC and RACK. For those who dont know, SSC stands for Safe, Sane & Consensual, and RACK stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. It's generally accepted in the BDSM world that SSC is a little stricter than RACK, shying away from play without safewords and most forms of edgeplay.

But enough on the vocab lesson. The question at KSL asked if the reader followed either of these mantras and if not, what safety measures did the person follow?

Ever since I found out about RACK as opposed to SSC, it's made a little more sense to me. I believe safewords are very useful and possibly even essential in certain environments, but I also believe there are situations in which they are not essential. For example, any time I go to a play party and engage in any kind of play, or witness any kind of play, safewords are made very clear and their freedom of use is made very clear - by which I mean that if a person is feeling less than 100% in any way, they should safeword. Of course, I should also explain that in my local scene, the commonly used safewords are "red," "yellow" and "green." Red obviously equals STOP, no ifs ands or buts about it. Yellow is pause for a moment, let's discuss. Green... well, you get the idea.

However, M and I have never used safewords in our play. Do I say it's because we know each other so well that we read each other's body language, gestures and facial expressions rather than a word coming from the mouth? Possibly. But I know there are couples as deeply connected as we are who use safewords, and that makes them no less connected than we are. So it's hard to say. I can say, however, that not using safewords works for us.

Then there's the other side of SSC vs. RACK - that of edgeplay. Of course, what constitutes edgeplay is highly subjective, but I think I can safely say that M and I are both into more than bondage and flogging - although I must say, my opinion of bondage and flogging is VERY high! We both love knifeplay, for instance, and I love needle play. I'm curious about bloodplay in general, as M and I are fluid bonded. Various other curiosities, and "one days."

If nothing else, however, I think there should be two rules abided by always: keep it consensual, and don't spread disease. I think that about covers it. And at least for me, that seems fairly easy!

How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?

Kinky Sex Link posts a writing prompt every Monday, and I follow them because I'm always looking for something good to write about. This past Monday's prompt was:

"How has BDSM enhanced your relationship?"

This one resonated with me because it's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while. M's and my relationship HAS gotten better not only since we discovered BDSM but also since we discovered that we were both switches and that I was not the hard-line, set-in-stone Dominant. To write about why I think this is, I feel I must first start with describing how our relationship might have been if we had not discovered BDSM.

It's odd because I can't imagine vanilla sex anymore. I can't imagine me having vanilla sex and I can't imagine anyone else having vanilla sex. I don't know how anyone could prefer plain vanilla sex to sex with even a little bit of kink in it. (Of course, that could take me into a tangent about the exact description of kink, but I'll save it for later.) That being said, M and I would still have had a relationship without kink and BDSM. Our relationship has a solid foundation even outside the realm of kink. We largely share the same interests in books, movies and music; our political and general views on life are very similar. Hell, we even share the same preference for breeds of dog!

Those things, and others I haven't defined here (the things that should be in any relationship: trust, honesty, appreciation, humor) make a good relationship. They have made ours a good relationship. Getting into BDSM, though, has made this good relationship a great relationship. A superb relationship; a memorable, unforgettable, strong lifetime relationship. How is this?

Vulnerability.

I really think that's what it is. The key to making our good relationship an amazing relationship is vulnerability. Otherwise we are both a couple of very proud, somewhat walled-off women who would not have been able to connect and give 100% to each other.

Even just talking about BDSM gives us an advantage. We're both admitting an interest in something that is absolutely not mainstream, that is often frowned upon and persecuted. We're opening ourselves up just a little, reaching out and saying, "Hey, I'm different," and allowing ourselves to be either accepted or rejected. Obviously, we chose the former for each other.

And then there's the physical aspect of BDSM. How much trust does it take, how much vulnerability does it open to allow someone to restrain you into helplessness and inflict pain upon you? To trust them to toe the limit and not break that bond of trust? To trust them to respect your safewords and not continue to push after you've asked to stop? All of this takes an enormous amount of trust, and in trusting we open ourselves up to vulnerability.

Then there's the appreciation that goes along with that. What kind of an ethical person could not appreciate being trusted in such a manner? It's an odd feeling of pride and humility mixed, that another person could turn themselves belly up and trust you not to eviscerate them.

Summarily, being into BDSM has forced M and I to break down our walls and be vulnerable to each other. We have both cried in front of each other. We have both talked about this vulnerability, and how best to not take advantage of it. BDSM requires such extensive communication that we have almost unwittingly gotten to know each other better - strengths, weaknesses, needs, desires. It's a powerful thing. It is power, knowing that much about someone. It takes a great strength of will to not take advantage, to not use. Upholding that trust only builds more. It's a not-so-vicious cycle.

Not to mention every relationship needs a little fun!

A contribution

Also, I wrote a short story about my needle play experience for Kinky Sex Link. Amped up the poetry and all that. What a good time!

My first KSL post!

On a less self-pitying note, I just posted my first blog over on Kinky Sex Link! Go check it out, eh?

Edit: Ha, I just realized I made "my first" KSL post right after my previous post here talking about firsts! And it's not even September yet. ;)

Kinky Sex Link!

I am very excited to announce that this little baby blog run by this newbie kinkster will be contributing to Kinky Sex Link!

I'm still not sure if I will contribute by writing themed entries, or just crossposting from this journal. Maybe both. Not sure, really! I almost feel a little overwhelmed! Where to begin!

This is where I'd love to have a kinky version of LiveJournal's Question of the Day. Writing prompts for the win!